I went to a movie by myself the other night. It was the first time I’ve done that in a long, long time.

Intentionally I slid through the doors late, after the movie had started, and was out and in my car before the first credit rolled.

If people saw me alone, what would they think of me?

Friendless?

Unlovable?

Awkward?

Even though now, more than maybe any time in my life, I feel the arms and hearts of friends around me, sometimes I still feel lonely.

My friend Jamie posted this video on Twitter last night. And it helped me realize that sometimes being alone is okay. In fact, it’s more than okay.

Lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless.

We love stories of restoration. We love being unfettered and passionately full of life.

But before freedom comes oppression; before redemption comes loss. We want to be rescued from our pain, but often prematurely.

Do we know how to die? Are we willing to?

Do we know how to fall soberly on our face and stay in the painful, the most incomplete place where we empty ourselves until we admit our own desires, our own comfort, our own abilities are useless?

Do we truly take on the form of Christ’s sufferings, a suffering even to death?

A friend recently said to me in an email, “This is the Gospel made practical. Everyone wants the power of the Resurrection. Few are willing to endure the crucifixion to get there.”

Think about it.

I played this song (lyrics below) 17 times on repeat a few days ago. I had to keep playing it, because I had to keep breaking down my heart little by little…

“Show me how to die…”

Before writing any blog posts, before any book is published, before any stage I step on or listeninh to any person I meet. Before I spend my money, before pretending to be perfect – to have it all figured out, before being a wife, or going to church, or calling a friend…

Before any good or bad or noble thing…

“Show me how to die…”

———

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I’ll illuminate the path You’ve laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

(“Show Me” – Audrey Assad)

My husband’s full length album 3 States 6 Rooms released on Tuesday.

You can pick it up on iTunes or Amazon, and take a listen on both.

You can stream three of the songs in their entirety here.

Our seventh anniversary is Sunday, so…if you want to get us a gift…here you go. :)

Enjoy!

(I should have my first post from my Moldova/Russia trip for you tomorrow morning. Until then, something to make you happy!)

—–

Almost nine years ago I was doing music promotion in Dallas. I had been promoting a show for a guy and decided I should take a listen to the band.

That’s when I met my husband Chris.

It was not love at first sight.

But it was love at second sight.

His band traveled a lot while we dated and were engaged, probably playing out over a hundred nights a year. He left the band shortly after we got married and has been honing his songwriting and production skills ever since in addition to working a full time job and helping keep me sane.

After three years of writing, recording, mixing, mastering, and all that stuff you do when you make music, he’s finally released a 3-song EP (the full length album will release at the end of May).

And he’s giving it away for FREE.

So please head on over to BrackenFieldMusic.com to take a listen and download your very own copy.

If you’re a fan of Explosions in the Sky, The Album Leaf, Sigur Ros, or just plain ol’ good music to chill to, you will adore what The Hubs has done.

Thank me later.

Or now, if you want.

Early Twitter Praise:

“DANG! Just listening to the first song, “Echoes of a Far Country,” totally inspires me. Can’t wait to hear more!” @nonviolencejrny

“OOOOH he had me at the first note. I love the guitar tones!” @joe_gomez

It would make sense
that upon my awakening
as the birds begin their morning song
the sound of rain would accompany them

Tears are falling
down heaven’s grey cheek
and landing in the lap
of the soil of the earth

—-

I will be taking some time off from online life to focus on quieting my heart, my schedule, and spending time with my family for the next few days as my uncle passed away last night in Texas.

Please keep our family in your prayers, especially his two daughters, who are my age, and have now lost both parents in what appears to be a time that was too early in taking them.

Thank you.