A few weeks ago, I was invited to be the guest on the Samson Society podcast with Nate Larkin & David Mullen.

We talked about everything from cycling across the country, to life as a former preacher’s kid, to women and porn addiction (as well as drug and alcohol abuse), confession, and living a transparent life.

Most interviews I’ve done in the past don’t dig this deep – an uncomfortable deep – but Nate and David did a fabulous job asking questions and responding with truth and grace.

You can stream or download the interview here.

It’s been a while since I shared with you my recent “maybe” diagnosis of a form of Bipolar II. “Maybe” because with mental health issues, it’s difficult to pin down exactly what the problem is until you’ve had a few therapy sessions, tried a few medications, and most importantly — given your brain chemicals time to catch up.

When I blogged before, I mentioned I would be starting a drug called Topamax – an anti-seizure medicine that’s been used for migraine preventative and now mild forms of Bipolar II. It works by affecting your temporal lobe, which is the lobe that most of the symptoms from all these diseases stem from.

After a little while on the Topamax, Chris and I decided it would be best for me to try something else. I felt fortunate in that I didn’t have any major side effects, however, it made me too emotionally stable.

Isn’t that the point though? To reach a level of stability?

Let’s just say while I was on it, no. This kind of stability is zombie stability. I didn’t feel the lows of my down days or the racing thoughts of my high days.

I.

Didn’t.

Feel.

Anything.

And as someone who is a “9″ (super high) “Feeler” on the Myers-Briggs, that says a lot.

I didn’t laugh at outtakes from The Office or even have an ounce of empathy for another human soul.

I was completely flat.

It so happened that about the time I got off the Topamax, I got a phone call from a psychopharmacologist’s office here in Nashville. There aren’t very many psychopharmacologists anywhere, so when I tried to get an appointment four months ago, I was put on a waiting list of hundreds of people. And finally, it was my turn.

At my appointment, I went through a one-hour indepth intake of previous medication, symptoms, and things in my life that could have triggered a response – my dad’s painful departure from ministry, an abusive relationship, a serious car accident…

I still have one more intake appointment to go through, which is next week before I leave for Haiti. In the mean time, I’ve been taking a medicine I took several years ago when I went through a very stressful, very painful time in my life. I took it back then for an entirely different reason but remembered that I felt pretty good while I was on it. I talked to my doctor, he changed the dosage a little, and it’s been a month since I’ve been taking it.

It’s been working pretty well and quite honestly, I hope they keep me on it.

The last month has been about the best I’ve felt emotionally over the winter. Have I had down days and up days? Absolutely, but I’ve been able to cope with them. The racing thoughts that keep me awake at night have for the most part, been quieted. Sure, it makes me feel a little dizzy and groggy throughout the day, but that’s small price to pay for feeling just a little more “normal” than I’m used to.

I really do appreciate the emails and tweets over the last couple of months that have asked how the medication has been doing and how I’ve been doing and the prayers that usually accompany them. Knowing there are people out there – some whom I’ve met and others I haven’t – walking through similar journeys helps me feel not so alone.

So, thank you for saying “me too.”

After reading through my Google Reader this week, it appears writing about your ten most clicked on posts for the year is the smart blogger thing to do.

Anyway, I thought I’d see what my top ten blog posts were of 2009 and interestingly enough, a trend emerged.

Here they are:

10. This video I did on porn addiction.

9. The Stigma of Bipolar Disorder

8. Results to a survey on modesty and dressing sexy

7. A video of Mike Foster and I sharing a message about sex at Community Christian Church in Chicago.

6. The announcement that I was going to fast from social media for Lent

5. The Death Notice of my personal Facebook Account

4. An old post about emotional affairs

3. The question asking “What’s one thing you can’t say in church?”

2. Can girls be porn addicts too?

1. Why is being gay a sin?

Wow.

We certainly have a lot of questions about sex. And social media. And more sex. And sex. And mental health.

I went to see what words people would search for that would bring them to this site – to our conversations.

Sure, I wrote the posts…but you contributed so much value to the message.

People searched for:

addicted to porn, questioning God, is being gay a sin, girls addicted to porn, female porn addiction, women addicted to porn, emotional affair, depression

At first glance, it kind of sounds depressing. And dirty.

But I don’t think it is.

What makes me thrilled is that the amount of views just these ten posts and their comments have had over the last year has helped around 50,000 people realize they are not alone.

They are not alone.

And neither are you.

And as we close out this year, I’d place my money on the fact you know someone that might need to read one of these posts.

So there they are – easy to find, easy to share.

We.

Are.

Not.

Alone.

Over the course of the four years I’ve been blogging, one of the topics that usually emerges is depression and anxiety – both of which I’ve dealt with from time to time.

You can catch up with some of those posts here.

At first, they weren’t easy to talk about. And especially to bring up the use of medicine, well, many “religious” people don’t like that idea very much.

Shouldn’t God be enough to heal you? Don’t you have enough faith? What do you have to be depressed about?

Those are a few of the many emails (and sometimes public comments) that people have left.

About this time last year, after fighting through a really rough season of depression, I dispelled some myths about it.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned this year:

I might not have clinical depression.

You see, I’ve tried about every class of antidepressants and the one thing that is true to them all?

They make my depression worse.

A few months ago, I was having dinner with a psychologist/priest/friend about this dilemma. The moment I told him that antidepressants just make me worse, he replied,

“Well, that’s because you’re probably exhibiting a form of Bipolar II.”

I’m sorry – WHAT?

Even though it’s not totally accepted, the stigma of depression and anxiety has become less and less over the last five years, thanks to people speaking out and sharing the honest truth about the diseases.

But bipolar?

To me – that means strap me in a white jacket with buckles and throw me in a psych ward. After hearing my friend’s informal diagnosis, I retreated back to my hotel room in denial.

There’s no WAY I could talk about this.

(All while writing a book about things we can’t talk about in church…hmmm.)

It’s been about three months since my friend shared his words with me over dinner, and I’ve researched the type of Bipolar he thinks I may have. I can’t deny it – the symptoms, cycling, everything is spot on. And one of the most defining characteristics of this particular class is that – lo and behold – antidepressants make the depression worse.

A couple weeks ago, I went to my doctor who drilled me on how I was feeling (eh), how I was sleeping (terribly) and instead of trying a new sleep medicine, went back to his original treatment of treating the underlying problem (depression). I explained to him what my psychologist friend said, and he thoughtfully agreed.

I understand that doctors can be drug-happy sometimes, but I do trust my doctor. He prescribed me Topamax, which is typically a migraine preventative medicine. There have been several studies though that in lower doses, it actually is a really good mood stabilizer and has fewer side effects than other stabilizers.

(The side effects it does have are hilarious – it can literally make me stupid while I’m taking it. Like, forgetting words kind of stupid. Words like “pizza” and “cat” and “computer.” As if I weren’t absent-minded enough…)

And today, Tuesday, December 15, I’m starting treatment.

(Deep breath)…

I’m starting treatment for Bipolar II.

Straight jackets and psych…wait-what’s-that-word?…oh, psych wards aside, I hope it goes well.

Thanks for listening.

Sometimes I wonder what I’m going to be like as an old woman.

When I was eighteen, I wondered what I would be like when I was thirty and my imagination then and the current reality are very far apart from each other.

I think I would like to be the kind of old woman who wears chunky necklaces and has bright white hair and that could tell tales of when I was thirty and forty and people would lean in and be mesmerized by my whimsical stories and the way I uncover timeless truth.

But then I wonder if I’ll just end up alone in my bed with hairy legs and maybe a slight mustache. And I’d be laying in a sea of cookie crumbs watching marathons of Law & Order (and all the while my cat is licking the back of my hand).

Every Monday I sit down to watch Intervention. Sometimes it makes me feel not alone in the daily battles that rage in my head and sometimes it scares me just how much I can still relate to the people on the show.

I know if it wasn’t for certain people in my life, both past and present, there may have been (or could yet be) an episode with me in it.

And I’m grateful.

And I’m hopeful.

And I’m heartbroken for how lonely I know the 20 million addicts feel they are.

I think it’s fair to say if you’ve been around here any amount of time, you’re familiar with my on-and-off again battle with depression. I had some bloodwork done a couple months ago and they found out I was severely Vitamin-D deficient.

Insert mega-high dose of 50,000UI/week of Vitamin D for the last month.

Insert a huge difference.

Now, it’s not a perfect fix, but it’s helped tremendously.

You know those weeks where it’s cloudy all the time, but every once in a while the clouds break for a while and the sun is out, but then it gets cloudy again?? Instead of being cloudy all the time…there are significant breaks.? Which is AWESOME.

There are enough breaks that I haven’t felt necessary to actually start my antidepressant.

Anyway, I know many of you have also shared your own stories of depression, so if you haven’t had your blood tested for Vitamin D levels…I recommend it highly.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a few conversations with some friends of mine.? None of them know each other — they’re all living in different parts of the country doing different things.? But all of them have one thing in common:

They’re surrounded by people yet they feel so isolated.? They’re afraid to talk about what’s wrong.

A couple of them are really wrestling with past demons and addictions.? A couple others are having really bad marital problems.? Over lunch, another one told Chris and me that he was filing for divorce from his wife.? Their marriage had no hope.

Christmas time was hard for me (for a variety of reasons that are personal) and I felt isolated…it wasn’t because people were ignoring me, but because of choices I made to isolate myself.? I felt too insecure to share the darkness I was experiencing.

After talking with my friends who were also struggling and thinking about my own reasons for keeping quiet, I just can’t stop thinking about how many of us out there have the happy face on, but are almost hopeless on the inside.? Where, from 9-5 we are productive and joyful enough to not let anyone catch on but the moment we get home we collapse and fall back into the black hole that’s inside of us.

There’s more of us than you think.

I realize posts like this are a wee bit on the melancholy side of things, and that every time I write one I’m guaranteed an email from two people:

1) My mom, who gets worried.

2) The person who questions my spirituality because I wrestle depression.

Please let me address you both.

1) Mom – Just remember the talk we had on my layover in Dallas.

2) Self Righteous Person – You’re one of the reasons we don’t feel comfortable talking about our problems.

Sorry, but it’s true.

After my post about using medication to help with anxiety, someone actually got angry.? Something along the lines of “What do you have to be so depressed about? I can’t read this blog anymore.? I mean I’m worried about you, but there’s seriously something wrong.”

Gee, thanks.

Please pardon me while I curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere.

And feel free to kick me while I’m in that position too.

Galatians 6 has been a Scripture that has been weighing on my heart lately.? Verse 2-3 says:

Share each other?s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.? If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.

If we really carried each other’s burdens like Scripture says, I can’t help but to think that maybe, just maybe…we wouldn’t feel so afraid to talk about those dark areas.? We wouldn’t fear the judgment and criticism of others.? What if we actually look forward to confession because we knew the grace we’d receive, and the restoration that waited for us?

Could you imagine?

I’d like to.? But it’s really really hard.

And that’s what’s depressing, if you ask me.

it was interesting some of the emails i received about monday’s post on depression.? it made me realize a lot of people have some misunderstandings about what depression is and why some people battle it.

now, let me preface this by saying i am not a doctor or a psychologist (although i’ve been to more than my fair share of both) :-)? however, here are some common myths about depression i thought we’d remove so that everyone can have a better understanding.

why are you depressed?? i thought you loved your new job and it seems like stuff is going well for you.

you’re right.? i love my new job and things are going great.? for the first time, we’re not financially stressed out in our marriage, the relationships i have are incredible and i have never felt more at home than i do in nashville.? all of my external circumstances are awesome!? too bad depression isn’t caused by any of them.? sure, environments can influence ups and downs, but a lingering bit of sadness or feelings of low self worth means it’s probably something more.

to further prove this point, last year at this time i was going through probably one of the toughest times in my life.? i had an awful, no good, very bad situation i was walking through over the course of late fall and early winter.? on top of that, i was also weaning off of anxiety medication (stressful!), writing a book (stressful!), and getting ready to move from dallas to oklahoma city (stressful!)

but you know what? i had absolutely no symptoms of depression at all.? nada.

don’t worry.? if you trust god more, he’ll bring you through.

thanks for the kind and faithful words. and i don’t doubt that.? but depression generally has little to do with someone’s relationship with god.?? if that were the case, every person without faith would be miserable and every person with faith would be happy all the time.?? can i afford to spend more time with god? absolutely. depression isn’t caused by a bad relationship with god or healed by a good one.? if anything, i have to lean even more into that relationship (and the relationships with my husband and friends) to get the strength i need during the seasons of depression.

so, you wrote this book on burnout and you talk about being emotionally healthy.? your past struggles with this and your current struggle doesn’t really give the best example.? what gives you the right to write about this?

i won’t lie. that email hurt (and that is just a small snippet of it).? and the thoughts of my own human inadequacies haunt me all the time when i ask myself, “really, what authority do i have to speak into this topic? i’m struggling right there!” fortunately, i got another email after this one that said this.

Listen, your struggle doesn’t mean you are broken as a person, and it doesn’t make you less spiritual. ?The devil is going to lie to you and say you have no business writing about Mad Church Disease with this going on. ?Don’t give in to that lie! ?Your experience and even your struggles uniquely qualify you to speak authoritatively on this subject. ?God uses our weaknesses to demonstrate His strength in us. ?I believe our precious Lord wants to take what the enemy meant to destroy you and use it to bring glory to Jesus.

that answer was for both the person who wrote the first email, and the demons that walk around in my brain.? but i know that question is something probably a lot of us wrestle with: what qualifies us to do the work we do when we screw up all the time?

grace.

so there you have it.? depression has little to do with your environment, relationship with god, and capacity to be used in this world.? it has much to do with our bodies’ brokenness, chemical imbalances, and the hand we’re dealt.? we honestly have very little control over it.

what we do have control over is how we manage it if we have it, or how we treat others who are struggling.

both require a little patience, a little wisdom, and a lot of love.

i don’t talk about it much, but depression is something i’ve fought with most of my adult life. it usually comes and goes in seasons, and like a lot of people, it typically gets worse around the holidays.

two years ago, it got pretty nasty and i blogged about it a little bit. but last year, i really can’t say that it even affected me.

this year, it’s back to rearing its ugly head. it’s been about six weeks now and that dark cloud hasn’t left yet.

i’ve decided this time around, it’s time to try chemical help again. last time i was on medication, it didn’t help so much (in fact, it just made it worse), but a pastor and friend i deeply respect has recommended trying something new. he’s battled it for over thirty years, while leading a very large church. he has a ton of insight. he even wrote a book about it.

all this to say a few things: if you suffer from depression, i’m sorry. i know how it envelops your soul, your life, your joy, and turns you into someone you don’t want to be. if you’re married to or friends with someone who has depression, thank you for supporting them. it’s not a fun place to be either and i’m sure a lot of the time, you feel helpless and you don’t understand it. and that’s okay. and if you’re reading this, you know what? i could sure use your prayers and i bet a few of you could use mine.

again, depression isn’t something i like talking about much because, well, it’s pretty depressing. i don’t like being depressing. i like being the girl who has everything all figured out and her life’s all put together perfectly.

(let me let you in on a little secret – that’s SO far from the truth!!!)

on the other hand, depression is something many of us face one way or another, and i just wanted to say you’re not alone.

and i’m pretty sure that i’m not either.

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