A few weeks ago, I was invited to be the guest on the Samson Society podcast with Nate Larkin & David Mullen.

We talked about everything from cycling across the country, to life as a former preacher’s kid, to women and porn addiction (as well as drug and alcohol abuse), confession, and living a transparent life.

Most interviews I’ve done in the past don’t dig this deep – an uncomfortable deep – but Nate and David did a fabulous job asking questions and responding with truth and grace.

You can stream or download the interview here.

It’s been a while since I shared with you my recent “maybe” diagnosis of a form of Bipolar II. “Maybe” because with mental health issues, it’s difficult to pin down exactly what the problem is until you’ve had a few therapy sessions, tried a few medications, and most importantly — given your brain chemicals time to catch up.

When I blogged before, I mentioned I would be starting a drug called Topamax – an anti-seizure medicine that’s been used for migraine preventative and now mild forms of Bipolar II. It works by affecting your temporal lobe, which is the lobe that most of the symptoms from all these diseases stem from.

After a little while on the Topamax, Chris and I decided it would be best for me to try something else. I felt fortunate in that I didn’t have any major side effects, however, it made me too emotionally stable.

Isn’t that the point though? To reach a level of stability?

Let’s just say while I was on it, no. This kind of stability is zombie stability. I didn’t feel the lows of my down days or the racing thoughts of my high days.

I.

Didn’t.

Feel.

Anything.

And as someone who is a “9″ (super high) “Feeler” on the Myers-Briggs, that says a lot.

I didn’t laugh at outtakes from The Office or even have an ounce of empathy for another human soul.

I was completely flat.

It so happened that about the time I got off the Topamax, I got a phone call from a psychopharmacologist’s office here in Nashville. There aren’t very many psychopharmacologists anywhere, so when I tried to get an appointment four months ago, I was put on a waiting list of hundreds of people. And finally, it was my turn.

At my appointment, I went through a one-hour indepth intake of previous medication, symptoms, and things in my life that could have triggered a response – my dad’s painful departure from ministry, an abusive relationship, a serious car accident…

I still have one more intake appointment to go through, which is next week before I leave for Haiti. In the mean time, I’ve been taking a medicine I took several years ago when I went through a very stressful, very painful time in my life. I took it back then for an entirely different reason but remembered that I felt pretty good while I was on it. I talked to my doctor, he changed the dosage a little, and it’s been a month since I’ve been taking it.

It’s been working pretty well and quite honestly, I hope they keep me on it.

The last month has been about the best I’ve felt emotionally over the winter. Have I had down days and up days? Absolutely, but I’ve been able to cope with them. The racing thoughts that keep me awake at night have for the most part, been quieted. Sure, it makes me feel a little dizzy and groggy throughout the day, but that’s small price to pay for feeling just a little more “normal” than I’m used to.

I really do appreciate the emails and tweets over the last couple of months that have asked how the medication has been doing and how I’ve been doing and the prayers that usually accompany them. Knowing there are people out there – some whom I’ve met and others I haven’t – walking through similar journeys helps me feel not so alone.

So, thank you for saying “me too.”

After reading through my Google Reader this week, it appears writing about your ten most clicked on posts for the year is the smart blogger thing to do.

Anyway, I thought I’d see what my top ten blog posts were of 2009 and interestingly enough, a trend emerged.

Here they are:

10. This video I did on porn addiction.

9. The Stigma of Bipolar Disorder

8. Results to a survey on modesty and dressing sexy

7. A video of Mike Foster and I sharing a message about sex at Community Christian Church in Chicago.

6. The announcement that I was going to fast from social media for Lent

5. The Death Notice of my personal Facebook Account

4. An old post about emotional affairs

3. The question asking “What’s one thing you can’t say in church?”

2. Can girls be porn addicts too?

1. Why is being gay a sin?

Wow.

We certainly have a lot of questions about sex. And social media. And more sex. And sex. And mental health.

I went to see what words people would search for that would bring them to this site – to our conversations.

Sure, I wrote the posts…but you contributed so much value to the message.

People searched for:

addicted to porn, questioning God, is being gay a sin, girls addicted to porn, female porn addiction, women addicted to porn, emotional affair, depression

At first glance, it kind of sounds depressing. And dirty.

But I don’t think it is.

What makes me thrilled is that the amount of views just these ten posts and their comments have had over the last year has helped around 50,000 people realize they are not alone.

They are not alone.

And neither are you.

And as we close out this year, I’d place my money on the fact you know someone that might need to read one of these posts.

So there they are – easy to find, easy to share.

We.

Are.

Not.

Alone.

Over the course of the four years I’ve been blogging, one of the topics that usually emerges is depression and anxiety – both of which I’ve dealt with from time to time.

You can catch up with some of those posts here.

At first, they weren’t easy to talk about. And?especially?to bring up the use of medicine, well, many “religious” people don’t like that idea very much.

Shouldn’t God be enough to heal you? Don’t you have enough faith? What do you have to be depressed about?

Those are a few of the many emails (and sometimes public comments) that people have left.

About this time last year, after fighting through a really rough season of depression, I dispelled some myths about it.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned this year:

I might not have clinical depression.

You see, I’ve tried about every class of antidepressants and the one thing that is true to them all?

They make my depression worse.

A few months ago, I was having dinner with a psychologist/priest/friend about this dilemma. The moment I told him that antidepressants just make me worse, he replied,

“Well, that’s because you’re probably?exhibiting?a form of Bipolar II.”

I’m sorry – WHAT?

Even though it’s not totally accepted, the stigma of depression and anxiety has become less and less over the last five years, thanks to people speaking out and sharing the honest truth about the diseases.

But bipolar?

To me – that means strap me in a white jacket with buckles and throw me in a psych ward. After hearing my friend’s informal diagnosis, I retreated back to my hotel room in denial.

There’s no WAY I could talk about this.

(All while writing a book about things we can’t talk about in church…hmmm.)

It’s been about three months since my friend shared his words with me over dinner, and I’ve researched the type of Bipolar he thinks I may have. I can’t deny it – the symptoms, cycling, everything is spot on. And one of the most defining characteristics of this particular class is that – lo and behold – antidepressants make the depression worse.

A couple weeks ago, I went to my doctor who drilled me on how I was feeling (eh), how I was sleeping (terribly) and instead of trying a new sleep medicine, went back to his original treatment of treating the underlying problem (depression). I explained to him what my psychologist friend said, and he thoughtfully agreed.

I understand that doctors can be drug-happy sometimes, but I do trust my doctor. He prescribed me Topamax, which is typically a migraine preventative medicine. There have been several studies though that in lower doses, it actually is a really good mood stabilizer and has fewer side effects than other stabilizers.

(The side effects it does have are hilarious – it can literally make me stupid while I’m taking it. Like, forgetting words kind of stupid. Words like “pizza” and “cat” and “computer.” As if I weren’t absent-minded enough…)

And today, Tuesday, December 15, I’m starting treatment.

(Deep breath)…

I’m starting treatment for Bipolar II.

Straight jackets and psych…wait-what’s-that-word?…oh, psych wards aside, I hope it goes well.

Thanks for listening.

Sometimes I wonder what I?m going to be like as an old woman.

When I was eighteen, I wondered what I would be like when I was thirty and my imagination then and the current reality are very far apart from each other.

I think I would like to be the kind of old woman who wears chunky necklaces and has bright white hair and that could tell tales of when I was thirty and forty and people would lean in and be mesmerized by my whimsical stories and the way I uncover timeless truth.

But then I wonder if I?ll just end up alone in my bed with hairy legs and maybe a slight mustache. And I’d be laying in a sea of cookie crumbs watching marathons of Law & Order (and all the while my cat is licking the back of my hand).