Mad Church Disease
In case you’re new around these parts, I wrote a book called Mad Church Disease that came out last year. It’s about how I literally burned out while working at a church because I didn’t know how to manage my time or my stress.
I ended up in the hospital for a week as my body just…inflamed…itself. I was having panic attacks, was unable to treat my depression adequately, had withdrawn from relationships (including my new marriage — who had time?) and at the center of it, left no time for spiritual connection or growth.
It has been five years since that burnout, and slowly and clumsily I’ve been trying to be a better steward of my time and resources. I fail often, but when I do, it’s with gusto.
Many people place their priorities in a hierarchical manner. Like:
- God/Faith
- Spouse/Partner
- Children
- Extended Family
- Career
- Leisure/Friends
Remember last week when we talked about how time in developed countries is linear? This is a prime example of how we try to work in items onto our timeline based on priority.
Let’s be real with each other for a moment.
Life is crazy and more often than not, if we look at this list of priorities they often fall out of line.
Career comes first for many of us, even if it’s not our intent. We combine things as well, like family and leisure (think weekend baseball games, recitals, etc.) or faith and career (say, if you work in a church).
These things get all jumbled up. Because we can’t make sense of them anymore, it’s difficult to put them in our linear timelines. We get stressed out, frazzled, and rushed, and just throw things where they randomly fit.
Instead of viewing these parts of our life in a hierarchy, what if we viewed them cyclically?
Let’s compare this to a bicycle.
Most of us would agree that faith is the most important part of our lives, so imagine that as the middle – the axle. If our spiritual life stays healthy and strong, the other things – the spokes – are able to function in harmony and move us forward.
When you ride a bike, you don’t check off each rotation of the wheel like a to-do list. You simply arrive at your destination.
If the axle on my bike is damaged in some way, the spokes don’t carry the weight properly, which causes the tire to bend, which will then send me flying over the handlebars. Or the frame may come loose off the axle. Either way…
Crash.
Sometimes a spoke gets messed up. Sometimes things in our lives don’t go as planned. But when that happens, you don’t crash. You can ride cautiously until you get it fixed. Or you can even walk your bike to where you’re going. It’s not ideal.
But it’s not a crash.
While this post doesn’t come directly out of the book we’ve been studying the last week (In Praise of Slowness), I think in order to get to the root of our stress and feeling rushed we need to take a look at how we spend our time.
How do you view time and priorities? Linearly or cyclically? Are you moving forward, or do you feel stuck? Is everything rotating around what’s most important in your life or are you wondering where all the time went?
“What goes in must come out.”
That adage is something I always heard growing up, especially from my parents when I would read R.L. Stine books as a kid.
And they were right.
When I was ten years old, I wrote my first “book,” which was about 80 pages long in a spiral bound notebook.
It was about a girl who, after a basketball game, went to a convenience store and drank a sports drink that was poisoned. In order for her to not be harmed by the poison, she had to give it to other people, poisoning them.
She started by poisoning her younger brother.
Somehow, one of my parents must have found my “book” and out of concern for my younger brother’s life, quietly removed it from our wholesome Christian home.
And I started therapy.
I really didn’t start therapy then, but I’ve always remembered that the things I soak my remaining brain cells in will show in other areas of my life.
A few weeks ago, I shared that I would have an opportunity to thank a former teacher in my life for the influence he had. I didn’t mention this in the earlier post, but he’s one of three people I dedicated Permission to Speak Freely to, as he taught me how to write from my heart.
He’s now a brilliant teacher at a prestigious academy in Pennsylvania, and last Monday, I got to spend some time with him (see, here’s a picture of us), hanging out in his English classes and clearing cobwebs that have been forming in my head since I was a junior in High School.
Most of us have read some of the “classics” in our high school or college days. Melville. Twain. Hemmingway. Homer. Salinger. (Etc., Etc., Etc.)
If you’re anything like I am, I left those books behind with my prom dress.
After spending time in Mr. Bennett’s classes, listening to sixteen year olds discuss the greatest line in American literature (?All right then, I’ll go to hell? – Huck Finn) I began thinking, “These kids understand classic literature more than I do,” and as the visiting “professional” author, felt entirely like a poser.
“Have you read this?”
“Ummm…once in seventh grade.”
“Do you remember the line about…”
“Never read that one.”
“Last year, when you guys read…”
“Crap.”
In the midst of jokes about Hemmingway and my feelings of inadequacy, I made a decision.
If I want to write timeless content, I should probably read timeless content.
Because what goes in must come out.
Before I wrote Mad Church Disease, I had spent my “ministry” years reading “ministry” books and lo and behold, produced a “ministry” book of my very own.
With Permission to Speak Freely, I had ventured more into memoirs, essay collections, poetry, and spiritually contemplative books and I think it’s fair to say the tone of PTSF reflects that.
The goal of any writer is to become a better version of themselves (and not give into the temptation to be the next Anne Lamott, Donald Miller, David Sedaris, or Elizabeth Gilbert).
As writers, we should hone in to cultivate our own voice and make it the best it can be.
That only happens with time.
What can we do with our time to develop ourselves into timeless writers?
We have to nurture our creative spirits, and that looks different for each of us. But within that universal pursuit, find authors who have proven themselves as staples, not trends, that speak to you. Find poets who connect with your soul on a level brief metaphors can speak to. Find music that causes your mind to journey into abstract places. Find places in nature where time stops and the colors, the smells, and the sounds pour into you, because you are a piece of nature yourself.
And write…
Workshops are good (I guess, I’ve never actually been to a writing workshop), and how-to books can be beneficial. I own my fair share of them.
But remember, practicality is rarely a pathway to creating art.
Most art isn’t practical.
If it was, it probably wouldn’t move us in the way that art often does.
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The last few days, I’ve been in the Kansas City area for my best friend’s wedding. The Hubs and I fell in love, got engaged, and were married here. A few months after our wedding in 2003, I started working full time at a church here.
I don’t mention it in Mad Church Disease, but Kansas City was the launching pad for the book. The church I reference when I ran 120 mph, didn’t rest, and ended up in the hospital…all here. The question on the back of the book, “Is working in this church interfering with your communion with Christ?” was asked to me here. I was told my dreams were “too big” here. I got in trouble for unwisely expressing my idealistic ideas here.
But the lesson most learned was how to heal after being hurt.
That’s where Chapter 11- the final chapter of Mad Church Disease – comes into play.
If you haven’t read it, you can download it here if you’d like. It’s title is Processing through Pain.
Driving by my old church, my old Starbucks, my old house…all these things brought back so many memories. Every time I’d go somewhere public, my heart would race a little bit. I was afraid of running into the person who hurt me four years ago.
Four years..it seems like a lifetime ago. But the hurt still hasn’t gone away. And it’s still impacts me, my ministry, and my ability to take risks. I don’t assert myself like I normally did. I stay really quiet and don’t speak my?mind as much as?I should. I choose my battles too carefully.
In the chapter, I quote something Penelope Trunk said to me at SXSW08 when I met her after a session. (I also had spinach in my teeth and she told me about it. Nice, Anne Jackson. Nice.)
“People are afraid to be amazing.”
I wish I had it figured out by now. I’ve forgiven, the bitterness usually stays at bay, but that fear of getting crushed again keeps a part of me silenced. I’m afraid to?be amazing -?to live to my full potential?-?because last time I was there, my dreams were shot through the heart.
What about you? I know with as many people read this blog, there have got to be some walking wounded. We are each responsible for our own healing…I’m not as consistent as I’d like to be, but I try taking risks or speaking my mind even when it’s scary. What are some steps that you’re taking to live again and to trust again?
Recently, there have been some very serious questions asked about Mad Church Disease, and instead of writing an impersonal post, I thought I’d address you guys a little more formally, via video.
Please see below:
(This is what happens when you have some free time and a video camera late at night after the NBA Finals are over. And, just to clarify, no pastors were insulted in the making of this video. Andy Stanley also looks good, and Ed Young knows how to lead. Thankyouverymuch.)
Have I ever told you that I wish I could just give everything away? I really do.
The wonderful people at Zondervan have now made another chapter of Mad Church Disease available FREE online (in case you haven’t downloaded the first free chapter, Chapter 11, you can do that by clicking here).
At the end of this post is Chapter 3 in its fully designed stage (they did an AWESOME job designing this book!)
My favorite paragraph from this chapter says this, because it’s something I’m still learning!
“We should look at our past as a gift and not a burden. And as such, we should steward it like any other gift we?ve been given. We need to be grateful for our unique circumstances, not resentful. Once we accept our God-given past, we can find out what about it makes us extraordinary.”
You can pick up a copy of Mad Church Disease from Amazon, for your Kindle, or any other fine book retailer (in the US, Canada, UK, or AUS). The audio book will be released in a few months and I hope to give as many of those away as possible, too.
I don’t ever want to cross the line into pimping MCD, but I am SO PASSIONATE about the message of health in the church. So many leaders are hurting, burnout out, letting their defenses down and IT HAS TO STOP!!! So forgive me if I have ever crossed that line, but I can’t emphasize how important the message of this book is.
David Kinnaman, author of unChristian and President of The Barna Group reviewed Mad Church Disease on Barna’s website today. Below is an excerpt. If you want to read the full review, click here.
The book is deep, but not stuffy. It is funny, but not cynical. It is easy to read, without being simplistic. Anne?s writing is poignant and personal, without being tacky. It takes a long, hard look at the difficulties of church work, while asking readers to face their problems.
Ultimately, Mad Church Disease is not just about solutions, it is a solution. It is a tool that can be used by a church staff or by individuals. It contains helpful interviews with church leaders who have lived through Mad Church Disease. And it offers worksheets to start private or group discussions about the issues of personal and spiritual health. Use this great new tool to find and restore healthy margins in your life.
Anyway, enjoy!
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