Lessons in Marital Communication
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Chris: “Are you wearing those Spanx things tonight? Because you look really skinny.”
Anne: “Can I blog that? Please?!”
Chris: “No.”
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Lesson 471: invitation to bed
Lesson 622: poison for the homeless
Lesson 317: pillow talk
Lesson 256: submission
Lesson 439: honesty
Lesson 833: time management
Lesson 509: bacon is better than sex
Chris and Anne are making BLTs for dinner with a new, expensive, thick-cut bacon. Anne finishes putting her sandwich together first and takes a bite.
Anne: OH MY. OH MY GOSH. OH WOW. MMM….(Other unintelligible noises of deliciousness)…
Chris: Good Gosh. You’re getting more excited about that bacon than you get about sex.
Anne: (Dirty look). Have you tried this bacon?
Chris: (Dirty look).
A few moments later, Chris sits down and takes a bit of his BLT.
Chris: Oh. WOW. OHHH. You were right.
Anne: Told you so.
—
Moral of the story? Jim Gaffigan is right.
Other Lessons in Marital Communication:
Lesson 471: invitation to bed
Lesson 622: poison for the homeless
Lesson 317: pillow talk
Lesson 256: submission
Lesson 439: honesty
Lesson 833: time management
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Late one night in our new, much smaller bed with much smaller blankets…
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Anne: Give me some of the blanket. You have it all.
Chris: I barely have enough to go over the edge.
Anne: I barely have any at all.
Chris: I told you we should have kept our old comforter.
Anne: It was too big for this bed!
Chris: But we would have had enough covers for us and everyone else.
Anne: Everyone else? Who else were you planning on inviting to bed?
Chris: Wait a minute…That’s not what I meant…
Anne: It’s what you said though…So, you have someone in mind?
Chris: Freudian slip.
Anne: You should probably just stop talking now.
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Lesson: Always get a comforter one size too big so conversations like this never even have to occur.
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Other Lessons in Marital Communication
Lesson 622: poison for the homeless
Lesson 317: pillow talk
Lesson 256: submission
Lesson 439: honesty
Lesson 833: time management
it is a well known fact that if i pass someone homeless or hungry on the street and have any kind of edible food in my car, it will be given away. i can’t help it. i know it’s supposedly bad and dangerous or whatever but it’s my food, so, deal with it. :)
anyway, i pull into oklahoma city and realize the hotel i am at is close to my favorite fast food italian eatery, fazoli’s. i get my ravioli kid’s meal and go on my merry way.
pulling back onto the highway, from a distance, i see a homeless man.
i look down at my lunch. i haven’t eaten since peanuts on the plane at 7:30 am. i smell the garlic breadsticks in my car. i wrestle. i plead.
i bargain.
only if his sign says something about food…that’s the only way he’s getting it.
he makes his way down the road, passing about 10 cars and stops by my car. i wonder if he smelled the garlic breadsticks, too.
his sign says, “will work for food. hungry.”
i ignore my promise.
he stays standing there.
and i give in. i roll down my window and hand him the bag.
“hey, do you want some lunch? i just picked it up from across the street.”
he grins widely and takes it. he says, “ooh, it’s warm still.”
“enjoy,” i said and drove off.
now, stay with me. connectedness is one of my strengths finder strengths. this one gives someone the superpower of connecting random bits of information and stringing them together in a way that most people couldn’t.
in this situation, my connectedness kicked in.
“well, there goes my lunch, but, at least he needs it.”
(insert good feeling)
“i wonder if it was contaminated some how and maybe i would have gotten sick from eating it and wouldn’t have been able to be at ministrycom08 to speak.”
(insert feeling of divine protection)
“but if it is contaminated, that means that homeless guy is going to have the runs. i just gave a homeless guy the runs.”
(insert feeling of guilt)
i call my husband to tell him what had just unfolded in literally less than 30 seconds from start to finish. i tell him how it’s my “connectedness” manifesting.
he says,
“anne. that’s not called connectedness. that’s called crazy.”
lesson: speak the truth in love. and give your food away.
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read other lessons:
Lesson 317: pillow talk
Lesson 256: submission
Lesson 439: honesty
Lesson 833: time management
blogging pillow talk
chris: hey, did you see i commented on your blog today?
anne: i did. i wish you would interact more on my blog.
chris: i don’t need to interact with you on your blog. i get to interact with you in bed.
==
view past lessons:
in target, going to buy some new venus embrace razors. (the ads were getting to me, i had to try it).
anne: i’m glad i’m getting these…it’s been forever since i’ve shaved my legs.
chris: how long, really?
anne: it depends on which leg.
chris: [silence]
lesson: husbands, your wives are busy people. sometimes, we can’t shave them both. we’re lucky if we can just get the knee down. if you think it’s something you might not want to know…don’t ask.
anne has just rolled out of bed, has thrown on some clothes and stares in the mirror. her curly hair yesterday is now resembling something like a 1970’s afro. two bobby pins later, anne turns to chris:
anne: do you think my hair looks really big?
chris: (pauses) not really big…
anne: too big to go out?
chris: (pauses) …. (pauses) …. (pauses) ….
anne: is it too big to go out?
chris: (pauses) …. no …. (pauses) …. well, you might want to …. wet it down a little bit or something.
lesson: husbands, lie to your wives. it will give them confidence.
an apartment full of boxes somewhere in dallas…chris and anne are discussing final moving things, including the new living room furniture they picked out last week.
chris: so, when is our furniture getting delivered?
anne: um…i thought you said we were going to wait until we moved up there to order it…
chris: yeah, i said that, but i thought you’d get it anyway!
anne: (mouth hangs open overdramatically)…i was just being a submissive wife! i’m not going to spend a bunch of money without us being on the same page.
chris: i just assumed that what i say has no meaning!
anne: so you want me to order it?
chris: it would nice to have furniture when we get there.
lesson: wives, don’t be submissive to your husbands. evidently what they say has no meaning…
