It’s been a while since I shared with you my recent “maybe” diagnosis of a form of Bipolar II. “Maybe” because with mental health issues, it’s difficult to pin down exactly what the problem is until you’ve had a few therapy sessions, tried a few medications, and most importantly — given your brain chemicals time to catch up.
When I blogged before, I mentioned I would be starting a drug called Topamax – an anti-seizure medicine that’s been used for migraine preventative and now mild forms of Bipolar II. It works by affecting your temporal lobe, which is the lobe that most of the symptoms from all these diseases stem from.
After a little while on the Topamax, Chris and I decided it would be best for me to try something else. I felt fortunate in that I didn’t have any major side effects, however, it made me too emotionally stable.
Isn’t that the point though? To reach a level of stability?
Let’s just say while I was on it, no. This kind of stability is zombie stability. I didn’t feel the lows of my down days or the racing thoughts of my high days.
I.
Didn’t.
Feel.
Anything.
And as someone who is a “9″ (super high) “Feeler” on the Myers-Briggs, that says a lot.
I didn’t laugh at outtakes from The Office or even have an ounce of empathy for another human soul.
I was completely flat.
It so happened that about the time I got off the Topamax, I got a phone call from a psychopharmacologist’s office here in Nashville. There aren’t very many psychopharmacologists anywhere, so when I tried to get an appointment four months ago, I was put on a waiting list of hundreds of people. And finally, it was my turn.
At my appointment, I went through a one-hour indepth intake of previous medication, symptoms, and things in my life that could have triggered a response – my dad’s painful departure from ministry, an abusive relationship, a serious car accident…
I still have one more intake appointment to go through, which is next week before I leave for Haiti. In the mean time, I’ve been taking a medicine I took several years ago when I went through a very stressful, very painful time in my life. I took it back then for an entirely different reason but remembered that I felt pretty good while I was on it. I talked to my doctor, he changed the dosage a little, and it’s been a month since I’ve been taking it.
It’s been working pretty well and quite honestly, I hope they keep me on it.
The last month has been about the best I’ve felt emotionally over the winter. Have I had down days and up days? Absolutely, but I’ve been able to cope with them. The racing thoughts that keep me awake at night have for the most part, been quieted. Sure, it makes me feel a little dizzy and groggy throughout the day, but that’s small price to pay for feeling just a little more “normal” than I’m used to.
I really do appreciate the emails and tweets over the last couple of months that have asked how the medication has been doing and how I’ve been doing and the prayers that usually accompany them. Knowing there are people out there – some whom I’ve met and others I haven’t – walking through similar journeys helps me feel not so alone.
So, thank you for saying “me too.”
Thanks for the update. I’d been wondering.
The reaction you’re describing (TOO emotionally stable) is what I experienced during the brief time I was on Prozac in the early/mid 90s. Just a total emotional flatline, which, for an INFP/enneagram 4, is profoundly weird.
Hope you get things lined out and rolling smoothly, in hills and valleys of emotion that are manageable but normal, soon.
Good luck in Haiti!
Yeah the NF combos–when we don’t feel–it’s like we don’t exist anymore.
Thanks for the love.
Ah, I’ve found Celexa has made me very flat. I’m an NF as well. I think we naturally would rather have the highs and lows.
Actually Anne, there is a really good doco made by Stephen Fry about Bi-Polar, he talks about the bonuses for creative people of bi-polar. I can understand not wanting to medicate that away.
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Thanks for this! I was diagnosed bipolar2 about three years ago now. I’m currently on Lamictal, which doesn’t have many side effects once your body gets on it.
Granted, my body had to relearn how to be creative and show emotion. But as you know, the human body is amazing. I live life as a creative and have had some of my best ideas while on this medication. There is also a generic which REALLY help$.
Thanks. It will be interesting to see how this journey plays out…I have heard good things about Lamictal, and not having Rx insurance, well, generics are a good thing. The generic topamax was still $150/month. What I’m on now? $15.
Just wanted to second the Lamictal thought. My wife has been on it for two years now, I think. The doctor originally thought she had Bipolar II, but later decided that it is BPD. Only difference seems to be the counseling approach; they respond identically to Lamictal.
Anyway she has had almost no side effects, although sometimes the dosage has to be updated if there are spikes in stress. They say this is common with all of these kind of meds, though.
They say there are no studies that indicate a difference from the generic, so that’s good as well.
Thanks for continuing to share about this, Anne! As an INFJ (probably the most FEELING-INTENSE type), I know that when I don’t feel, it means that something is really, really wrong.
Yep – INFJ here too. I literally was a lump.
Yes, I appreciate the update. Glad to hear you’ve been better lately. I’m still praying for you.
The post made me stop and think about how often I take ups and downs for granted. Of course, I’m thankful for the ups, but I rarely consider just being thankful for the movement, the ability to feel. It reminds me of a certain movie starring Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom and a monkey.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
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Thanks for your continued honesty. This truly helps everyone remove the stigma of mental health. From the other side of the chair as a therapist today, it is good to hear the process that you have gone through and recognize the inability to have any emotions. Thanks for your ministry and heart.
Word to your mother.
Seriously. Tell your mother God is good ;)
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As I was reading comments, I was reminded that some friends of mine in Central Texas have started an organization called “Therapy Center Stage” with the idea that art (particularly drama and music) can help with the fight against mental illness. You might check them out on Facebook.
Also, I understand the ‘flat’ feeling. Been there recently and now I am finding that the only feeling I have is a negative, angry emotion…which has never been a part of me before. Maybe it’s time to revisit meds? Thanks for sharing Anne!
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I remember those days all too well… from one extreme to another, and eventually, the pendulum managed to rest comfortably in the middle, with the right meds. It took me 4-6 weeks to not feel dizzy, nauseous and almost flu-like on the meds, but once it regulated itself, it was worth toughing it out.
Continued prayers for your well-being, all around — proud of you for sharing, proud of you for being aware of what your goal is and doing what you can to get there. You’ll succeed. You are NOT alone.
Love!
Good news! Continuing to pray for you. Love you. xoxo
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Glad to hear the good news as well…praying through this you’ll have rest.
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“thanks for saying me too…”
me too is the slogan for our student community. i freaking LOVE THAT!!!
Um… me too.
So glad you’re feeling “normal”. Praying for your continued wellness. It makes me feel hopeful for my own state of being. Thank you.
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That’s great! Diagnosis and treatment of any kind can be a long road and I’m glad you’re moving in the right direction. :) Yay! Praying you have safe travels in Haiti.
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Hoo boy. I must admit, there are times when I’d prefer being an emotional lump, compared to the stressed-out mess I’ve been lately. Thankfully my pastor has helped me out significantly, discussing things that have held me captive in fear for years.
Still, I’ve been an admirer of Mr. Spock (mostly the original version, since “Skylock” still needs some “stability” :) ) since my childhood. Oh, to have that kind of emotional control.
But that’s not how God wants me to be. He *wants* me to experience joy, happiness, *and* sorrow, grief, and the like. I don’t know why; it hurts. But He does.
You know I can say “me, too” on this one, sweet sis in the Spirit. Praying for you during the coming weeks.
Joe Sewell?s last blog ..Scared for Nothing!
Thank you for your transparency, Anne. I’ll be praying….know your words encourage SO many!
You didn’t laugh at outtakes of the Office?! Whoa…
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I had that numbness once too, and that’s exactly why I got off Zoloft. It’s been a roller-coaster adventure going all-natural since then, though.
This week I picked up “Touched By Fire” and “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison, after reading Shaun Groves blog about those books. Have you read them?
Just felt like sharing a little of my empathy with you. I feel your pain. But to be honest, really only in the way that I think the Office hasn’t been very funny lately. So just know I was right there not laughing with you, Anne. :o)
Hang in there during this long frustrating adventure. Each step we take makes it a little easier for those who follow. I agree that feeling, even feeling rotten, is preferable to dulled emotions. I hope you continue to do well!
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I am battling and have battled depression anxiety and ADD for almost 20 years… I will be 33 this year. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow…. I have had brief christian counseling and when I was younger clinical counseling for the ADD… but this time I am determined to figure out what is really going on. I am ready to face it if it is Bipolar. I just want to be whole. I appreciate this blog and your openess it helps others to not feel so alone. Thanks.
I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2001. It took a while but I finally found some meds that work. Good luck with your journey.
My husband was diagnosed Bipolar Type II a year ago – I am finally able to see improvement. I cannot list all of the medications he has been on: the new stuff back to “old-school” medication. The next step was going to be ESTs. After much discussion, neither of us thought that was the way to go. I talked to a friend/our former therapist – she said she disagreed with the diagnosis. The psychiatrist listened when my husband shared this – she put him on Seroquel XR. Things began to improve (for him) but he was irritable with me and our son. She added Celexa and things seem to have improved even more.
He still takes sleeping pills, but cuts them in half. He still has ‘his days’ when he just feels depressed. But we are hopeful.
When I just read your account about Topamax – I had to grin. I took it for a couple of months – my reason….to lose weight. (sad, isn’t it?) What scared me is the forgetfulness – I found myself going to far past my driveway, feeling lost in an area with which I was familiar, and disoriented when I discovered someone had syphoned my gas tank – it really happened (scratches on car are evidence) – but I really had to concentrate on the fact that I started out with a full tank and after a two hour meeting, the car was on empty. Needless to say – no more Topamax for me.I feel looney enough at times when I say words I did not mean to say. (maybe it’s the Zoloft I am taking)
I do think the church needs to understand the reality – mental illness is not caused or a punishment for our unrepentant sin.
Thanks for your honesty, Anne.
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…that would be “too far past” ….the teacher in me couldn’t let it go uncorrected.
Paula L?s last blog ..Letters to Darcy by Tracy Ramos: Book Review
Thanks for being so tranparent as you go through this. All I can say is “me too” to that flat feeling…it scared the heck out of me! Just prayed that God will guide the doctors in your treatment.
I hope you’re feeling less flat these days. Sometimes it’s worse than feeling everything, from my experience.
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Anne – can I ask what you’re taking now that is working? I’m not sure you mentioned that anywhere or it was brought up? Thanks.
I’m just cutting down Celexa, I couldn’t handle the side effects – was so nauseas every single day and extremely tired. I felt like fuzzy and it zapped all my creativity. I am down to 10mg and waiting for my Neurologist to call me back as she’s been away so I can figure out if I can come off it all together. It made me so tired that I actually felt depressed and I wasn’t before. Is this sort of medication this bad for people who actually have mental illness (I have a brain injury and wasn’t depressed to start with).
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I know those feelings so well. I remember driving down the road after I quit taking Effexor and crying over who knows what. Even though I was sad, I was so thankful that I was actually FEELING again. I have tried several different meds and have decided that I prefer my hectic mind over the numbness the meds made me feel.
Thanks for updating. I’m glad that you have found something that helps :)
Anne,
I have been on antidepressants for about 12 years. Recently during a visit to my psychiatrist I suggested that maybe I could try to go off the meds and see how I do. He told me how to do it and thought that it would be worth a try. I cut my dosage by 1/6 for ten days and then another 1/6 the next ten days and so on. About the time I arrived at approximately 1/2 my original dosage things went bad. I won’t go into details but they were REAL bad. After a quick visit to my doctor it was decided to increase my dosage slowly until I felt “normal” again. Well here I am now back at my original dosage and I guess this is my “normal”.
Aside from the bad that went along with trying to get off the medication there were some “goods”, I guess. I felt emotions more deeply that I had in at least 12 years. I cried and laughed more than I had in a long time. I felt empathy and joy in the experiences of others. The problem for me was it was sensory overload. I don’t know if that was due to not having those experiences in so long or in that my brain can no longer process those things properly. It has given me great pause. I wonder who I really am. Is my personality controlled by pharmacology or God and some strange combination of the two? If I changed medications could I become someone else who is better? Is there a better me pill out there? It can really mess with your mind. No pun intended. The old cliche, “who am I” is no longer a cliche and yes “trying to find myself” also takes on new meaning.
I have been forced to come to the conclusion that as with all things it is in God’s hands. (cliches running amuke now) but it is true. I want to be the person God made me to be. I hope this is the me He intended.
I am thrilled that your meds are working. The misery that is associated with things like this are really impossible to explain to others. Looking into the face of your spouse as you hear and see yourself breaks your heart. I pray you and Chris have found your “happy place”.
Hug a child in Haiti for me. I hope to be there sooner instead of later.
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Congratulations, Harold, for trying to come off the meds the right way. I knew someone who tried to cut off Paxil cold turkey. She was a very quiet but pleasant person. Then, one day, she just went off, and the whole cubicle farm heard it. She got so mad she kept hitting her hand on her desk, until she literally broke her hand!
Joe Sewell?s last blog ..Scared for Nothing!
Joe,
I accidentally ran out of mine about a year ago and couldn’t take them for three days. I cannot describe to you what was going on in my head. The experience was horrifying. To be quite honest with you, your co-worker got off pretty easy with a broken hand. I could have imagined much worse. Glad that was all that happened to her and to all her co-workers.
Harold?s last blog ..G.O. Help Haiti
At my lowest points of Depression med management, a verse from Isaiah 26:3 spoke to my need and comforted me that God was interested in my peace–and my mind for that matter. “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.” I love the Message version:
People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don’t quit.
Good luck working through the meds. Awesome for you to have that resource!
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That’s totally the verse I meditate on too!
Hey Anne, I’ve got bipolar in my family and I personally was treated for depression years ago, so bipolar is something I definately try to watch for in myself. Treating it can be a real hassle – with side effects and meds to treat side effects, etc. I hope you find something effective and keep your spirit healthy! There’s no meds that can treat sickness of the soul.
Matt @ The Church of No People?s last blog ..What if You Weren’t Welcome in Church?
I commend you for your honesty and being willing to walk through this journey in such a public manner. Perhaps it will help others to understand Bi-polar disorder more clearly. Five years ago my daughter was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder as a teenager. She spent a year on meds before we figured out she was over-diagnosed (what she had was severe depression) but I can say I learned a lot about depression…including my own occasional bouts…throughout that year. I think her biggest complaint was that she felt “flat” and unable to express her creative nature, but it also helped her to recognize the depth of her depression and realize it was a place she didn’t want to return.
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Thanks for your update post Anne. I’ve been really struggling with my bipolar 2 for the last 2 weeks. Triggers with lots of anxiety sending me emotionally all over the map.
It’s nice to be reminded that “this too shall pass” and that there is a stable place somewhere in my mind. I am so thankful for the medications to help me function closer to ‘normal’.
Glad you’re feeling better now before your trip. I hope it only gets better for you. :)
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INFP here. I’ve definitely done the ‘non-feeling’ thing. It’s no joke.
Honestly, I felt very caged and uncaring.
Thanks for reminding me that God has definitely continued to bring me out of that place. What a work God continues to do in me!
Kudos, Anne.
thank you for continuing to share so openly and transparently about this. about yourself.
i learn a lot from your journey.
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My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a little over two years ago. At first we knew so little about what that even meant that, as a family, we we all kinda struggled with it. Of course, after we began to learn about the disorder and what can be done to help with it, we were relieved. It answered a lot of questions for us and more importantly for her about how she was processing different things. Since being diagnosed and treated, her life has been dramatically better.
Thank you for sharing your journey and being transparent along the way. I just began reading your posts on it today and look forward to sharing this with my mother.
Hang in there. You can see that there are plenty of others out there who suffer with similar conditions. Some who are not being treated at all. Thanks for sharing so freely – I’m sure it is helping others to get help as much as it helps you in getting the encouragement.
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My wife has had 3 serious episodes of depression during her adult life (late 30′s now) and during the last one (which involved a lengthy hospitalization) she was diagnosed as having Bipolar II. None of the mood stabilizers they tried over the course of nearly a year seemed to do anything for her though, and a new doc finally said he thought the BPII diagnosis was wrong (he said that in his opinion it’s become a trendy diagnosis and that while a real condition, he thinks BPII is overdiagnosed). The new doc wanted to go back and treat it as complex major depression with anxiety disorder (symptoms very similar to BPII). Whatever the correct “label” his treatment approach of a couple of different antidepressants and a low-dose of a tranquilizer type drug worked, and she’s been stable – and feeling good – for the last 3+ years. From her/our journey I recognize a lot of what you say including some meds leaving you too flat. Everyone’s personal cocktail of meds seems to be different, and tailored to their own specific body chemistry. Lucky are those who respond readily, easily and completely to just one of the standard meds. Many others take a good deal of trial and error to find what combo helps them. Keep at it and don’t give up.
One book that I found helpful as I struggled to come to grips with my wife’s illness is “Darkness is my Only Companion: A Christian Response to Mental Illness” by Kathryn Greene-McCreight. The author is an ordained Episcopal priest and theologian who suffers from mental illness. From Publisher’s Weekly:
“Shortly after the birth of her second child, Greene-McCreight fell into a deep depression that lasted on and off for several years. Five years later she was diagnosed as bipolar, “a disease that scuttles between depression and mania.” With mental illness so severe that she was hospitalized five times, she nevertheless continued to work as an Episcopal priest and theologian, wrestling with questions that therapists rarely broach but that Christian sufferers can’t help asking: If all of God’s intentions for us are good, why do we suffer? What is the relationship between mental illness and sin? Is the “dark night of the soul” different from depression? Will God forgive suicide? By means of personal story, theological reflection and practical suggestions for caregivers, Greene-McCreight takes readers into her mind as she plunges from frantic ecstasy (“Gorgeous exotic turbulent swirls of snow. Magic. The world tingles. My brain sparkles, all things connect”) to profound despair (“the absence?so present you can feel it, taste it, sometimes even heaven forbid, see it and hear it?of the good”). With firm but never facile faith, she offers hope to Christians with mental illness and understanding to those who live and work with them.”
Wow, I can’t believe you just came out with your diagnosis like that–it’s so empowering. I talk about my mental illness (and yes, it’s mental and yes, it’s an illness) on my personal blog, but often keep it locked far away from “professionals.” I want to tell people how I struggle, I want to be real, I want people to understand how I see God through the pain…but I don’t want to be judged.
Somehow I think that God has brought you to my attention for such a time as this. And here’s the kicker–I used to work as a therapist. Sigh. Like I told you on Twitter, I’ve also dealt with life-threatening/changing illnesses.
If you need advice about drugs, treatment options, and all that good stuff, please feel free to shoot me an e-mail at artsyrockerchick@gmail.com.
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I think it was Madiline l’Engle in her book, Walking On Water … a book about christians and the arts, that if anti-depressants had been around before, there would probably be no great art. It seems like those of us who are creative are also prone to depression and other mental illness. I am so thankful for the newer drugs and all the options there are now so that people can find their “normal” without being too deadened down emotionally. For me too, I need to feel. Here’s to finding that right combo of meds that allow you to be stable and yet fully present emotionally too. I’ll be praying. I know it took them awhile to dial in my husband’s meds but he’s doing great now and isn’t zombie boy any more.
*stands up in a room like an AA meeting* “Hi I am Nicole and I have bipolar disorder.And I am Catholic. ( yes we do beleive in Jesus)” Some sick bipolar humor for you to cheer you up a bit….
Hi….Thank God for you. God has a great sense of humor becuase I thought there was only one perosn out there with my combination of bipolar disoder and recovering porn addict. God bless you for being so transparent.I thought I was the crazy one for having that stance of being transparent too. If you were on Facebook *sigh* I would defintely want to friend you but also to have you read some of my posts. I am beginning to blog as well.You are cool beyond words chick and you will get through this. This period is sucky, trying to find the meds that work for you. I pray and hope that your journey gets easier. I found some that work for me with little to no side effects (Prozac and Tegretol) and I am very lucky. God will hold you up. Bipolar is not easy but it can be doable with medication, exercise, taking care of your health and doing things that give you joy. And oh, God is good for bipolar too…….when you are in your depression He only responds with love. A great resource is http://www.mcmanweb.com/. Keep ya head up chick! And swing by blog sometimes. I promise some new posts for the year with the new laptop!
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i kinda am on FB… http://www.facebook.com/flowerdust – i wish we could be friends, but i don’t do the “friend” thing on there! (and i hate the term “fan”)…so…can you friend my page? :) thanks for being so open!
I sentence you to more revelation then!! LOL!!
Here:
http://catholicempress.blogspot.com/2010/02/30-things-about-my-invisible.html
Nicole Henry?s last blog ..BOUGHETTO?