For most of my life, I’ve been an extremely sensitive person. I also had a terribly awkward last name growing up, so it was easy to make fun of the goofy girl with big teeth and big eyes and a funny last name.
I spent a lot of my elementary school days crying alone in my room, brooding on whatever harsh words were spoken to me by my classmates.
In high school, I grew out of the big teeth (I actually quite like my teeth now), and found myself in academics and sports. I was in the National Honor Society, was identified by the Duke University talented program in the seventh grade, aced my honors classes, and excelled at basketball. Our family settled into Abilene for a few years while I was in high school and I made good friends that I still adore today. I didn’t get made fun of much then, or as I blossomed into an adult and into a couple of different careers.
My mom always prayed that I would have a sensitive heart, and now as I share it in a world where thousands can read and voice their own opinion, my skin has become soft again.
Words move me in dramatic ways – both positive, and negative.
The prayers and words of kindness from strangers elate me, and show me the voice of God through humanity. In more recent weeks, the critics have shown up on several posts, voicing their opinions as well.
I am fully supportive of everyone having the right to their own thought, and the right to voicing their own thought. I don’t ever expect everyone to agree with everything I say or do, and that’s completely fine. I’ll never delete a comment that shares a different point of view, even if it’s said in an argumentative tone.
However, I do ask you this. If you read my blog, or any others, or hear a story or meet a person and something inside you compels you to share your opinion, please consider the words you use to communicate.
It is of utmost importance that even if we take a opposing stance on an issue, we shouldn’t debate the other person’s heart, integrity, or motivation.
We are not, and can not be, the judge of that.
The power our words have can be extremely positive and uplifting, and can even push someone to grow if we communicate a different opinion in a positive manner.
Our words can also be like poison, and shrink and twist the heart and life and faith of the person with whom we disagree.
Yes, I’m a very sensitive person and there are steps on my journey that I need to take to toughen my skin and not take harsh statements so personally and deeply.
I also know I’m not the only person in the world that feels the power of words deeply.
Speak gently.
Speak carefully.
Speak thoughtfully.
Speak graciously.
Speak humbly.
We can do these things, and still disagree with someone.
In fact, I think that may be the only way we can properly disagree with someone.
Once we speak, our words can never be recaptured. We can try, but it’s just not going to happen. We have blessed and encouraged. Or we have hurt and injured.
If bitterness or sarcasm or negativity comes spewing out, we’ve got to figure out what all that anger’s really about.
“Out of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
Some of us need some open heart surgery. The question I ask myself today – “Is it me?”
Linda Stoll?s last blog ..Got $5?
Very well said! I think publicly you (personally) handle critics with grace and mercy.
I’ve been reading Perry Noble’s blog series from last week about how to deal with critics. I know you are a big fan (now) of Perry’s and he has some very wise words that we can all learn from. Here’s a link for any who have never visited…
http://www.perrynoble.com/
The series is called 7 Differences Between a Coach and a Critic – it’s a 4 part series from last week.
Cindy Graves?s last blog ..Fighting With ?Why Bother??
Thanks Cindy for the link. That’s right up my alley. I see firsthand every day the power of encouraging words to build up with the kids I teach. I’m not familiar with Perry Noble. I love finding new blog treasures.
Good words, Anne. We’d all be more careful with what we said if we considered the power of our words.
“Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless?that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.
Whoever wants to embrace life
and see the day fill up with good,
Here’s what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you’re worth.”
1Peter3:10-11 The Message
Sarah F.?s last blog ..Look up.
Again, your words inspire. You’re good at that. Keep it up, and thanks for opening your heart to all of us.
P.S. – I’ll try to remember to pray for your trip to Haiti. Can’t guarantee that’ll happen more than right after this, but I’ll give it a go. Vaya con Dos, mi amiga.
Always loved the old saying, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle.”
Jen?s last blog ..new to you friday?leading women
Are you Anne’s sister? Because you two look exactly a like.
Funny :) No, we had coffee once, in part because of our mutual friend Kyle Zimmerman who said, “Hey, you both live in Nashville and you both have short brown hair. You’ll be BFFs.” :)
Jen?s last blog ..new to you friday?leading women
This is great advice. Yesterday at Cross Point, Pete Wilson talked about the importance of truth in building community. But how with truth we need to extend and expect grace. Sometimes things need to be said, but they need to be said with love INSTEAD OF judgment, said with kindness INSTEAD OF anger, seeking understanding INSTEAD OF accusations.
Lindsey Nobles?s last blog ..Formula for Assertive Communication
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” – Dr. Seuss
If I know who I am in God’s eyes and His love for me, then [your] words won’t hurt me.
And if I love [you], like God loves [you], then my words won’t hurt [you].
Rocco?s last blog ..Rain…
The problem, Rocco, is that too many people still have open wounds from hurts of the past … wounds that God has chosen not to heal (perhaps to increase sensitivity) or that the wounded person has not allowed to heal.
We still must be careful to show God’s grace, and not be a stumbling block to others.
Joe Sewell?s last blog ..Scared for Nothing!
That was very well said. I think the most hurtful thing is when people question our motives. That cuts deep.
Tiffany?s last blog ..Black Heart
Awesome post. Coming from someone who sometimes speaks before I think, there are many times I say something and the other person interprets what I am saying incorrectly because of my tone. I could be saying something sincere and complementary, but they could take it as flattery or sarcasm. Tone has a lot to do with words and my wife would be the first to tell you I need to think about my tone before speaking.
Good words Anne. (Those are not fake kind words) :) I have had in the past, and still do sometimes, a tendency to pop off with the first thing that comes to mind and then maybe later realize that I spoke out of turn or my tone said what I didn’t want to say. This past week I was joking with a man about his 11 or 12 year old grandson’s way of wearing his hat (you know that sideways thingy that is going on). While I was joking and others joined in, he took my words all wrong. I reckon the tone came off wrong and I later called to apologize for it. But damage was done that I cannot erase. I need to do better what Psalms says, “keep watch over the door of my lips.” Thanks for the reminder.
Bill (cycleguy)?s last blog ..Keeping Hope Alive
I watched this play out on Friday. Someone said some pretty hurtful things about a guy on twitter that they do not even know.
It was good to see the response though. Instead of taking great offense and defending himself (he had a case and could have easily made the other guy look stupid) he just wrote him back and said to be careful with what he is saying because people he is influencing might be reading and watching.
Words are so powerful and yet deceptive. They can hold truth or be empty. They can set you up for victory or failure.
In social media all you have is your words. Today we are constantly working at saying less with more power. I think we also need to work at saying less with more thought. Instead of just throwing words out there never to be able to grab them back, we (I) need to work at thinking more about what I say.
I used to be really sensitive to other people’s words. Then I started blogging. :-) Let’s just say my skin’s a little thicker than it used to be!
Anne, When someone says something hurtful on the blog, I try to remind myself that their issue isn’t with me but with something else entirely that just got triggered by my post – a painful memory, a frustration with Christianity, an insecurity, a stereotype, a fear. I’ve been called a heretic, an enemy of the Church, a disappointment, a baby-killing socialist – you name it. Spent the first year of blogging crying about it, the second yelling about it, and my goal for this year is to accept it.
Still workin’ on that.
Keep sharing your thoughts and ideas, Anne. Even us jealous types need to hear them!
Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Taking a Red Pen to Life
P.S. I also find that sometimes I tend to focus on the 5 percent of comments that are negative instead of the 95 percent that are positive. An overwhelming majority of us are rooting for you as you go to Haiti. Don’t forget that!
Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Taking a Red Pen to Life
There are many outlets that are more closely monitoring the blog comments. There are still others that have removed them entirely.
The anonymity of the internet has produced some real bullies out there.
Good post, don’t 2nd guess it. I read Anderson Cooper’s blog for the 1st time this week and he has ‘Post Guidelines’ on his blog. Also, I appreciated your Wise reply to Katies apology. That’s a mature view, that there is something in it for you to learn. Takes discernment to know the difference. You get another ‘Atta Girl’ from me :).
Teachability to me is a mark of a true walker of The Way.
Now I can put my own teachability to the test with this post to Speak Gently and Wisely, especially with my teenage girls. Thank You.
What a great post, Anne. Once again, I find myself applauding your honest and open heart. You seem like the “real deal.” I find myself relating to so many of your posts. I, too, am moved by the power of words in so many ways, and I am incredibly sensitive as well. When I meet a stranger for the first time, I find myself seizing upon his or her words and looking for any negative judgment this person might have of me. I think this is because I grew up in a family that was quick to judge and because I felt different from other kids and spent a lot of time alone reading and escaping into books.
I do have several close friends who are very blunt and straightforward with me and who will criticize me if I need it. But these people are Christians, and I know that they are saying what they say to me in the spirit of love (because I have also had friends, often Christians as well, who have said harsh things to me that I did not feel was in the spirit of love).
I also find myself moved by the power of words in great literature. Many, many times beautiful and eloquent works of literature will bring me to tears.
My wife empathizes with you a great deal. (So do I.) She says that from Middle School on up was murder for her. She was called names, hassled a lot, had no peace there or at home – only with her grandparents. Even now, she’s had to simply sever relations with some relatives because of their habits of continual harsh words. And you’re right, those hurt.
You know, it even hurts US to read some of the negative comments you get. Yet something good comes out of that. It gets us used to the kind of comments that we, too, will have to face in our own future as we try to obey God. Our own decision’s been that the areas God’s laid on our hearts (genuinely loving God; and genuinely loving and helping our neighbors)are important enough to go ahead, criticism or not.
Anne, know that we as one family support you and regularly pray for you. We hope that helps, even a little. And we don’t doubt that the knowledge that you, and others who read your blog, believe in a lot of the same things we do will help us in our own futures.
Anne,
Thanks for the post. It is a timely reminder for me as I prepare for a conversation this afternoon with someone here at church I disagree with on an issue. I will do my best to be gentle, careful, thoughtful, gracious and humble in my speech today.
Continue to be God’s instrument! Blessing in Haiti.
I had a sensitive heart when I was growing up. And a goofy walk. I was called “ducky”. I HATED it. I hated having a list. I hated the bras my mother bought me on sale. Oversized. I was called “pointy”. I HATED it.
For years I pushed all that to the back of my brain. Hiding it from anyone new that I met. Then, in my 40′s addiction to narcotics struck. I numbed all that crap from growing up. Just didn’t know the reason then.
God has brought me back around to caring for those who would harm me. To those who don’t know the Glory of Life. So many injured and broken hearts!
I love where God is taking me. I love to comfort and listen. I don’t like to debate. It’s ok that I don’t agree on everything, but I can remain passionate for my view.
The song by Hawk Nelson, Eggshells, says “If I could catch the words before they left my mouth, I?d do it / If I could reach right out and turn them all around, I?d do it / But it?s out there yeah I said it /”. I do think when I speak hurtful, I have to take ownership of my action and not make things worse by following up with more stupid words. No one MADE me say them. I said them. I am so grateful that God is helping me to choose my words thoughtfully. Not so much impulse speaking. I know I feel better when I’m truthful. In a kind way, not a hurtful way. Don’t want to have to clean up after myself. Too much energy!
Shellie (baylormum)?s last blog ..Stats Suck Sunday
Anne, I too have a very sensitive spirit and heart and have found life a struggle at times as I seek to live with openness, grace, and a teachable/receptive heart. I recently read War of Words by Paul David Tripp and it has completely changed how I view communication. He starts from the premise that our “war” started in the Garden with the original sin, and now we need to consciously seek to speak redemptively with EVERY word we say. It has completely altered my heart to think that every single word I say represents God and to know that even a misspoken word may hurt Him deeply and could create an obstacle for a person to find salvation. I love God so deeply that reality has broken my heart! While there is a weight that has come with that realization there is a also a huge freedom because I now know exactly what my communication should look like and be full of.
Thank you for openly and honestly sharing your heart. It is so beautiful! Keep it open and sensitive, that is a gift not only to you but to all of us you share with.
Sherie?s last blog ..Church?s message: ?You?re not okay the way you are!?
2 Timothy 24?26 is a good reminder that we must be gentle and that many are indeed fighting a great battle:
?And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.?
Michael Hyatt?s last blog ..Do You Make These 8 Mistakes When You Twitter?
Thanks for your honesty. It is refreshing. In a world where we trumpet our own opinion above others, its about time we’re reminded to think about others feelings before our own and consider how we say things. Love it! Absolutely love it!
Amen, sister!
Lucy Ann Moll?s last blog ..Lord, Thank You! I Know Where My Children Are
I’m so sorry. :( That stinks.
Ironically, I got a really nasty email over the weekend. It left me hurt, and sad, and even -ok, for like five minutes – considering deleting my blog. I’m still sort of reeling from the harsh words the person chose.
I tend to lack grace. It’s ugly, I know. That email and then your post are a timely reminder that my words have weight. I need to choose more carefully how I use them. The difference between sharing (perceived) truth with grace or without it, could be the difference between a person growing or shriveling.
I want to grow. And help grow others. Thanks for sharing your heart – it’s just beautiful.
Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary?s last blog ..Sabotage.
Sage, gentle words here, Anne. Well said.
Anne,
May I just say that I am new to reading your blog, and I’ve already recommended it to someone dear to me. You do have a wonderful way with words, and I agree that our words have meaning, and we must choose carefully not only what we say, but how and when.
May I also thank you that I feel very welcome on your site. I am fifty-two, and often feel some blogs are only interested in people of a certain demographic (read age group).
However, you come across as a compassionate and honest person who is willing to be open and speak truth in love.
Thank you.
Just found this – beautiful! Thank you for summing it up so very effectively and graciously… Bless you, Anne!
MikeF?s last blog ..Home again, home again…
Goofy and big eyes? I tend to find that rather cute. :)
“Speak gently.
Speak carefully.
Speak thoughtfully.
Speak graciously.
Speak humbly.”
Amen. Some would say it’s lukewarm, but I think they miss the point. But it’s not my task to judge them, though I’m still struggling with some judgmentalism myself, that some might call me hypocrite. And I’m afraid they might be right at some point.
berciXcore?s last blog ..Az anglik?n liturgia
Definately. I’m one of those over-sensitive people too. But I think it helps me in that I try extra-hard to not offend people. I try to empathize first, with varying degrees of success.
I had the goofy last name too. Actually, I still do. And I have a goofy first name, which shall remain a secret.
Anne, beautifully written. I am very sensitive myself & grew up being made fun of so I know the power of cruel words. I think that nowadays with the anonimity of the internet people are bolder (and crueler?) than they would be otherwise. Let us all think twice about the words we use that they may build up others & not tear them down.
I agree totally and it struck me as I was reading that it is no accident that Jesus is called The Word. God spoke creation into being with words.
Words can be life-giving, life-destroying but either way they can never be erased.
Kim Avery?s last blog ..Winners ? Top Ten Blogs for 2009
You are so right about the power of words. For most of my life I was so hurt by others words. Kids can be so cruel. And I wasn’t innocent in sharing unkind words either. As an adult I’ve almost hardened myself in a way to protect myself. I try to show the youth girls at church how much their words can effect people good and bad. THanks for sharing your thoughts.
Amy N.?s last blog ..Menu Monday #1
Surrounding you with prayers…..prayers to protect your heart! Amen.
“Good Game”… butt tap. I have always wanted to do that to someone unexpectedly. :-) So.. Good Game, Anne. :-) hehe
Reese?s last blog ..Prayer SOS
So true. I just posted my A-Z of the tongue, about this very issue that I struggle with daily.
http://www.melakamin.com/2010/01/a-z-of-the-tongue/
Mela Kamin?s last blog ..Somebody else?s shoes ? Part 1
I don’t have a lot of words except to tell you that I completely understand and empathize with what you are feeling. I am glad you are able to address this with a lot grace. Hugs to you.
Samantha Johnson?s last blog ..The Bob
Word!
unfortunately the impact of negative words are stronger and quicker that positive. Hmmmm. Hence we need to wise in the words we use and not be a word blurter; maybe to look good in front of others but hurting someone else.
In my experience it is a matter of respecting the words of someone and not pushing them away. I feel my words (mostly spoken) pushed away. Maybe I am not outspoken enough or I that I am far too understated, sometimes I just think it is my lot. Hmmm.
Phillip Gibb?s last blog ..Metro Kids Christmas Box 2009
Great post. I grew up in an environment where I honestly can’t remember my mom ever saying anything positive to me. She was always comparing me to other people and pointing out how I fell short. Every day when I teach I remember that words have great power. Kids learn so much more when they are encouraged. Their hearts open up like flowers when they receive the positive reinforement they need. I have the opportunity to encourage them to live passionate lives for God too. By nature I could be cuttingly sarcastic, and I’ve had to learn to edit my thought bubbles. I agree that it’s possible to disagree and to even have quite the discussions… but I try to always remember just how precious the person is to God that I’m having those discussions with. I know for me, when I know someone really loves me and hopes the best from me, I’m much more able to have those tough dialogs with them that bring about growth and healing instead of pain and distruction.
I have taught my kids, “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will break your heart.” They are only 5 and 6 1/2, but I pray that they learn the importance of their words at an early age.
From another sensitive, thin skinned one…
Chris K?s last blog ..Know God – Day 25
When I was in college a guy gave me a tiny little book by Kenneth Copeland, called “the Power of the Tongue.” It changed my attitudes and helped me understand the power of the words we say. How they have the power to heal or to hurt.
It made a huge difference in my life. Not that I always do, but I try to be the positive encourager for people I am in contact with. I am a yapper, so its always a battle, but the book had an impact on my life. And I read it in under an hour.
I too grew up being picked on most of my childhood, and now years later I look back and wonder what good could ever come from that. If nothing else, it has made me that much more sensitive to others, and challenged me to be wise with my words so I dont end up causing similar pain to others. Like you said, words are powerful…. and thank you for your continual committment to be wise with your words!
Jon Foreman wrote a great reflection on words for the Huffington Post today. Pretty good: http://tinyurl.com/yejt5m7.
Jeff Goins?s last blog ..Interview with Seth Godin: Artists, Linchpins, and Following the Rules
yes. yes. and yes.
thank you for summing up my own unarticulated thoughts so well.
alece?s last blog ..we?ve gotten it all wrong with the prodigal son
I agree with this more than you know. Thank you for posting on this. I work with youth and this is the message I try to get across to them every week in some way about how much their words are cutting or lifting people up or down. Amazing what we remember later in life that hurt us as kids. Bless you, Anne and thank you!
*sigh* This post strikes such a chord with me!
As a young girl, I thought my sensitive heart would be my undoing. But now as a worship leader and Gospel singer, I know it opens me up to new levels of creativity and ministry. It’s not always easy, but there can be a real blessing in having ‘soft skin.’
I found this wonderful quote last week, and it couldn’t be more appropriate:
“When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.”
Buddha
Allison Lynn?s last blog ..Music for Haiti Fundraising Campaign extended ’til Friday!!
Words are the most important thing in the world. It is said by Hazrat Ali (R.A) that “If a person cannot control his tounge than his life or death is decided by words”. So words are really important and most important thing is that one must control his tounge to control his words.
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