I never thought there was much difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. In my heart, it all kind of meant the same thing – letting go of pain that someone had inflicted on me. Usually this involved some type of “making up” process involving apologies, sometimes tears, and a hug to make everything alright.
Twelve years ago, somebody hurt me in a very painful, inexcusable way. For years, I didn’t allow myself to work through the pain as I needed to. A couple of years ago, circumstances (which were mostly out of my control) caused me to stare at this wound square in the face.
As strange as it sounds, I’ve never doubted that I forgave this person. I feel fortunate that, for the most part, forgiveness comes easy to me. There are probably only two situations in my life where I know I still need to work on forgiving someone, but this particular hurt isn’t one of them.
However, as I was processing through healing during this time, I began questioning if i really had forgiven this person. Sure, the scabs had been peeled off and the wounds were fresh – and it hurt…badly, all over again.
Someone who was helping me through this sent me an email. He encouraged me and said that what I was experiencing wasn’t me being bitter or holding on (which was what I was afraid I was doing) but that I was desiring reconciliation.
I wanted for this person to own up to the mistake and for everything – painful as it would be – to be okay again.
And I wanted for the relationship to be harmonized and restored completely.
Later, I read this in a book:
Joseph was reconciled with his brothers when they came to Egypt in search of grain. By the time his brothers reached Egypt, he was able to stand before them and confront them because he had no inner feelings that would keep him from having a relationship of unity and peace with them.
Forgiveness is unilateral. You can forgive even if [someone] never admits [their wrong doing], is never sorry, and never changes. But reconciliation requires both people’s commitment to recovery, honesty, repentance, forgiveness, and communication. Even then, reconciliation is a long and difficult process of breaking down barriers and building trust.
You may not ever be reconciled with a person that hurt you (or that you hurt).
That part takes both people to work through.
Forgiveness is a necessary, but not a sufficient condition for reconciliation.
However, forgiveness is a decision that you make, and continue to make, regardless of the other person’s choice.
And through the cross and grace and love, you can.
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well said anne. sometimes, for me, the pain of no reconciliation is greater than the original hurt for which i forgave
so many times reconciliation is a messy emotional act of faith. if a positive conclusion does not result from reconciliation efforts it’s too easy to then ’sin’ in bitterness and have to forgive all over again – ah, the complicated circle of life
totally agree.
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When I forgive, I am able to wish the offending person well – face to face or in my thoughts.
I am able to pray for their well-being with sincerity.
They hold no more power over me.
Jesus goes back on the throne and controls me once again.
I still might hurt when I think of them. But I am not immobilized with harmful emotions.
I am released to continue on my journey with peace, knowing that I was obedient to what God called me to do.
This is SO SO SO true! It’s taken (taking) me forever, to recognize that. Having been deeply injured, myself, a time or two, I have found that forgiveness is easy, almost painless. But I struggle with reconciliation. I think because it makes me feel vulnerable.
It’s easy for me to forgive someone and cut them loose, but to forgive them and then to reconcile with them is so much harder. Because it means I have to face them, like really engage with them on a deep, heart level – when I don’t trust them. Reconciliation is at odds with my need for self-preservation.
That’s the dig. That’s where it hurts for me. Reconciliation means giving up control of my life and his so that God can work between us. Ouch.
Very true, Jamie, and a very important part of reconciliation is your further decision to reconcile.
What can really hurt, though, is that reconciliation, as Anne said, isn’t just up to you. It’s up to them, too. You can do everything you just said and *still* not be reconciled, because the other party refuses.
Joe Sewell´s last blog ..Scared for Nothing!
Yet another post I needed to read. Thanks for the wisdom, Anne.
Elora´s last blog ..kairos
I can relate, wholeheartedly :o) Well said, Anne!
I’m 31. I forgave my dad for leaving us when I was a teenager. At one point he lived on the other side of the block but I didn’t see him for 6 months. I still forgave him. I thought I was over it.
As an adult with responsibilities, I realized how serious an offense it is to abandon your own children. Something that I couldn’t understand as a kid. I’ll explain. Few years ago my dog got sick and I was worried because I had no idea what was wrong with him. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so worried about my dog. A dog! How could my dad, for months at a time, not look in to see how my brother and I where! How could he not wonder if we where happy or sad. Well or sick. I had to forgive him again.
The pain of it isn’t great, but it’s still there. The other day I was thinking that maybe I’m not supposed to get over it completely. So that I not forget. So that I never lose compassion for those that have gone through the same thing. I feel if I got completely over it with no pain or residue left, then I would have little compassion for other Christians who didn’t get over their past pains. “God completely healed me of that! What’s wrong with you! Count it all joy!” (Barf)
On another note there are people who you try to forgive, but they continue to hurt you. My husband has an emotionally abusive stepfather. He has terrorized him and until recently sometimes still did since he was 11.
If it was only in the past, it would have been much easier for us to forgive him. But my soul swells up with hate whenever that man treats my husband badly. I wish only pain and suffering for him. I have to ask the Lord to forgive me and take the hate from my heart, but I must admit sometimes the hate feels good. He recently had a stroke and I felt no compassion for him. The one good thing that came from his stroke is that his personality completely changed (same thing happened with my friend’s that who had a stroke). He’s a nice guy now. His abuse has ended.
But how about others who continue to suffer pain from others, even into their adulthood. How do you forgive much less heal, when someone is still hurting you?
I think this is where you can forgive, but let go that it may never be reconciled. There is also a need for appropriate boundaries as well…I think.
Jaz, I really relate with you. My hate has generally felt justified and even good until…that is until that moment comes when I see clearly that whatever evil it is that lives in the other also lives in me. My heart is a rapist, abuser, molester, thief, adulterer, murderer, and terrorist. I think this is what Jesus was illuminating in his various “You have heard it said….” statements.
My thirst for justice and judgment upon wrongdoers is beautiful and godly…but I am sobered every time I’m reminded of my own heart’s dispositions. It usually takes the hate away…for a couple moments, anyway.
Mike Filicicchia´s last blog ..An Interview with Tim Courtois, Part I
Jaz, if I may so gently suggest, the book “Boundaries” by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend. That book helped me work through a lot of boundary/forgiveness issues and I know it has impacted many of my friends as well. I pray for wisdom and peace for you.
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Rachel
Checked out that book. Put it on my wish list. Thx.
What you are describing, Jaz, is part of the distinction between forgiving, forgetting, and reconciling.
I’m sure you’ve heard the old “forgive & forget” saw. Sorry, but the two don’t go together, just like forgiveness & reconciliation don’t necessarily go together. Your father & your husband’s stepfather show why it’s important to avoid forgetting what happened, because they aren’t trustworthy. As a result, too, you cannot be reconciled with them because they are unrepentant (which is another part of this).
You definitely need to *decide* to forgive. It’s not an easy decision to make, but with God’s help, you can do it. You may not “feel like” you’ve forgiven, as Anne put it so wonderfully, but you need to take that step in spite of what has been done, is being done, and will be done.
You definitely need to avoid forgetting that it all happened, though. That’s where the boundaries other replies mention come into play. The situation to pray for here — and it probably will not come without God’s help — is to be able to forgive and set up boundaries in spite of the constant reminders of the past. Sounds completely difficult? Yep! That’s part of the damage the curse of sin has caused us all.
You need to be open to reconciliation, should the opportunity arise, but don’t overstep those boundaries in order to get it. That’ll hurt, true, but you’re going to have that anyhow.
Joe Sewell´s last blog ..Scared for Nothing!
Amen, sister.
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Nice post.
Beautiful post, Anne.
I had my most profound lesson about forgiveness at my mother’s bedside during her last 2 weeks of life. She was in the darkest stages of Alzheimer’s and couldn’t speak . . . I don’t even know if she could understand intellectually, but trusted that her heart and sould would. My Mom has always been my greatest love, but I had “stuff”.
My commitment for myself was not to be left holding a sack of bitterness and regret when she died. My commitment for her was that she pass completely free of any concerns or guilts. That required me to confront forgiveness square in the eye and I didn’t know how long I had left to get it all complete for both of us.
For me, the only access to forgiveness was (and perhaps always been) compassion. As you say, it really is unilateral. It’s a simple – though not always easy – choice.
Thanks for sharing this.
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Connie, that is a very touching story. My sister had similar issues with my mom. She too had alzheimers for about 6 years before she passed. She was in a nursing home, but we all felt compelled to help and be there for her (my dad had passed already).
My sister had fought with my mom like a sibling. It got really ugly at times. It was divine providence that she was the one who ended up having to care for my mom. I lived hours away. The other sister had stolen from my mom, and when we cut off the gravy train she disappeared. So she was the only one who could care for mom.
The work God did in her is amazing. We have talked about it many times. Somehow they reconciled, apologies were issued by both. I am so thankful healing came. Mom passed this last year, but thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit in them both, peace prevailed.
So sorry to hear of your Mom’s passing, but happy to hear she and your sister reconciled. Truly a blessing.
Connie Vasquez´s last blog ..There’s No Grief In Santa
Thanks for sharing Anne. I was just having this conversation this morning. I also dealt with this for many years with my father. There came a point when I realized he was never going to ask for my forgiveness. It was actually at that point that I was able to accept the Lords forgiveness. It was a huge wall and barrier for me before I came to know the Lord. There are still struggles, but I did learn that the Lord forgave us before we even knew our first breath.
The journey of forgiveness, reconciliation, boundries and healing is a lifelong process. Such a good reminder.
I like that. Like you, I’d not considered the difference at all. But it makes a lot of sense now.
Even in our relationship with God, it makes sense. God forgave us long ago, but that doesn’t mean we’re reconciled to him yet.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
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Woah. Dude. Marshall… P.O.W. True Words.
Maybe, one’s reconcilement with Christ (along with forgiveness) is the gateway to “Jane” and “Sally’s” reconcilement process.?.?.. both parties Truly, reconciled with Christ=Complete Healing.
Anne: You are so wise beyond your years, sister! Thanks for this post.
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Anne,
Hey! It’s been awhile since I have commented on a post. In the time period, I have found myself here in Nashville–maybe someday we will meet….but that’s a side note.
Thanks for your post. It’s one that hits close to home on many levels. I have given forgiveness, but it’s the reconciliation part that I have been struggling with for quite awhile. The key is that people that I need full reconciliation do not even realize it. My continued prayer is that I can let it go…and understand that it may not ever come in the form that I think it should.
Thanks again for the post.
S.
I had to learn this situation the hard way too. My sister uses “the fruits of the spirit” list in Galatians as proof that I’m not saved. She spiritually bullies me by using stuff from her psych-counseling classes. Every time we talk she tries yet another technique to try to “lead” me to Christ. It has reached the point where I refuse to talk to her about God, religion, belief systems, etc.
(I am not deriding psych classes, just those who use them to manipulate people.)
She equates my refusal to reconcile with a refusal to forgive. I have tried to tell her that she still has to live with the consequences of her actions when people forgive her, but she sees this as me “punishing” her. She then interprets this as bitterness and further proof that I’m not saved.
It has been difficult to repeatedly forgive her, admit my problems to God, and still maintain a huge boundary.
I feel you Liz. My partenal grandmother is a lot like your sister. Hell will sooner freeze over before she admits it. A few years ago I started to notice that every time I spoke to her, I ended up with stomach cramps and the runs. So I put her on the once a month plan. Call her only once a month. I realized that I needed to take care of my health and my sanity. I love my grandmother, but I will not let her bully me. I will not be her victim.
I also know that the way she treats me has nothing to do with me. It’s her own pain and self loathing. I’d bet you could say the same thing for your sister.
Anne, ever since I found your blog (and read your book!) I have felt like our stories are so very similar. I’m sure you’ve found that to be true with hundreds, if not thousands of people. But, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your journey.
This road of forgiveness without reconciliation is one I have walked. Your words echo my heart in so many ways. So, thanks!
Anne´s last blog ..Ok.
Here is the reconciliation that I seek (and do not do this kids, it is wrong) I usually point out all the bad and wrong things that person is doing to others so that they will see just how evil they are. It is really easy for me to justify this because I do not want others to experience the same pain that I am feeling. I have this idea in my head that if I can just make them look bad enough people will realize it and do something about it.
To this day, this way of reconciliation has never worked and has left me with bitterness and anger rather then freedom.
I have been working on letting go of the way they have hurt me and not hold onto trying to fix them to my standards.
This has been the hardest part for me, not forgiving, but moving on from them.
Great post Anne! My wife Melody and I have that exact conversation with people all the time. We divorced in 2002 due to my sexual addiction and remarried after being apart for 6 years.
When we started dating again in 2008, this issue came up often with family and friends. Melody had forgiven me years ago, but starting to date and think marriage-thoughts had us both revisiting the painful wounds, forgiveness, and true healing needed for reconciliation.
All too often the Church is guilty of sweeping emotional pain under the rug. We are encouraged to “forgive and forget”, yet there is no way we can do this well without acknowledging the pain and processing our emotions. A pat “Let go and let God” sounds spiritual enough, but can leave wounded individuals feeling more alone and isolated.
We are so grateful for the healing that has come on the other side of our pain. It has been a gut-wrenching journey, but we have a closer, more intimate relationship today because we know ourselves and each other much, much better.
You can see and hear Melody’s part of the story here as we talk about our marriage, divorce, and reconciliation.
Traylor
Traylor I think you hit on something that I have encountered a lot of in the church. It is really unhealthy when this kind of “let go and let God” mentality seeps in. I have seen so many people in church settings say they have forgiven one another but then they don’t ever speak again or pursue any form of reconciliation.
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Thanks for this… I love it.
I’ve been struggling for a long time with a difficult situation. A situation where it takes every bit of grace I can grab ahold of, to help me forgive… over and over and over again.
My problem is that the person who hurt me, has wanted a false type of reconciliation. Reconciliation without repentance. Reconciliation without truth.
The Scarlet O’Hara pretend-everything’s-okay-when-it’s-not attitude only makes it more difficult for me to try and truly forgive.
I’m so grateful that you wrote this post. For clarifying that reconciliation doesn’t happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen by pretending there was never a problem.
Would you mind sharing the name of the book you quoted from?
Jeannie´s last blog ..Toddler Theology
Beautifully said, Anne.
I know there are people I will never be reconciled with. I’m almost sure of it, unless God does miracles (which he does so who am i to be sure of much…)
but i hope there is forgiveness. i hope.
Anne, you’ve done it again. You let the Holy Spirit write through you. Please don’t stop. :)
Your message made me realize that one of the biggest things I wanted from my father before he died was reconciliation. It could’ve happened, had he not become lost in some form of senile dementia before dying of cancer. I realize I had not forgiven him as I should. Like you, I wondered if I ever had, or ever could. In this case, I know there can be no reconciliation. It’s even likely that we won’t be reconciled in Heaven, because I don’t know if he was saved or not.
This is another post I’m going to need to reread numerous times. There’s so much in there.
Thank you again, Anne, for sharing. You’re a very courageous woman to do that (almost as courageous as admitting you’re coming up on 30 ;) ).
Joe Sewell´s last blog ..Scared for Nothing!
Powerful distinction! My first thought is that God through Christ has reached out with forgiveness. Now we must respond in order for reconciliation to occur.
Carl Blunt´s last blog ..Pay Youth Pastors More!
Timely post! In just a few minutes, I’m expecting a woman in our home I haven’t seen in 24 years. Interestingly enough, we’ve been reconnected through facebook.
I forgave her years ago but she would never listen long enough to hear that. It’s been bothering her all these years. When she sent her friend request to me – it included an apology and a request for forgiveness. Little did she know I’ve never stopped praying for her.
We moved to our present location back during Labor Day weekend. She is now 25 mintues away as opposed to 6 hours. Again, interestingly enough, she commented on my facebook status about making homemade chocolate chip cookies & any locals were welcome to come over and have some.
Speaking of which… time to make more cookies.. All the others were eaten by townspeople within that afternoon.
Much love & dangerous prayers because following Jesus is just that!
Cameyg´s last blog ..Dreams: Expecting the Unexpected
forgiveness is unilateral… love that. so true and so very liberating.
Thank you.
JuliaKate´s last blog ..do you ever wonder who’s watching you?
very, very, very true. i ask myself…am i willing to forgive even though i’ll probably never hear the words i’m sorry? tough question, but must be asked… by me, anyway. good word.
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Wow Anne! I feel God was working through you as your wrote this post because it’s relevant in my life right now in a number of ways.
Thanks for your the words of encouragement here.
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Very insightful post, Anne. You know, in one of my more hurtful experiences with this issue, I am the offender, not the offended. I hurt someone a few years ago. I have apologized, more than once, and done my best to live honorably and thoughtfully with regard to her. I have asked for her forgiveness and desire reconciliation. The weight of this broken relationship is so heavy sometimes.
This has been a good reminder for me that the time-line is not mine. She does not owe me anything. I will not stop hoping. But I want to extend to her the grace I hope she will extend to me.
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Funny…
I am working thru this very issue…or rather I should be working thru it but instead I spend much time avoiding it as it is a huge chunk of my life wrapped up in it.
That wasn’t funny BUT the other day, I was reading a fiction book based on Joseph’s reconciliation with his brothers and God whispered to my heart about this.
I heard it…and then put it aside.
Then I came here…and got it again.
:) I really love Him…thanks :P
What a beautiful reminder of the forgiveness process — and that it’s just that, a process. I’ve spent a better part of the last year being hateful and bitter over a wrongful termination from a job I loved. I don’t find it ironic that a year ago tomorrow marks the anniversary of the day it all went down. It took what it took for me to get to where I am today, and I finally forgive my former co-workers. That all happened about a month ago as I chose to face the situation face-to-face. I was afraid for a while that tomorrow would be a terrible reminder of what happened, but it’s not. It’s reminder that my life is still in God’s care, as it always has been. And I’ve done my part. I have forgiven. Today, however, I still have no desire to reconcile those relationships. The ones that remain do so for a reason, and I believe God saved those for a purpose. The ones that were ruined were ruined for a reason, and the more I think about what those relationships meant, there’s really not much I’m missing.
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Great post! I actually got a hold of the reality that forgiveness and reconciliation were two different things last summer. I had someone that hurt me very deeply and as I was seeking reconciliation to forgive them, this person died a tragic death. I struggled for the longest time because I felt I needed to hear him say I’m sorry in order to forgive him. Last summer my pastor gave me some great advice. He told me to write a letter to the person who wronged me and go to his grave: read the letter and burn it. I think just writing the letter helped immeasurably! The only thing that went wrong is when I burnt the letter I caught some of the grass on fire and some lady about fifty feet away was really freaked out!
Just a little bit of hope. When Isaiaih 25:6-8 is fulfilled, then all the pain will be wiped away. Sometimes, I think we get so caught in our own hurt that forget the people who are hurting us have been hurt, too. Compassion and grace go a long way. We are able to press through with God to the point where we can freely forgive and find joy!
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thank you for sharing yourself with us.
i have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and reconciliation lately. last week, i apologized to someone who hurt me deeply over 3 years ago. for the longest time, i wanted her to own up to her mistakes and apologize to me. i wanted her to tell me where she went wrong. then last summer, i realized that my outlook was entirely twisted. she had really hurt me, but i had never forgiven her. also, God made it clear that I needed to apologize to her as well. although its taken me six months to come to the point of being able to do so, i finally pulled her aside after church and apologized for how i let all the things that happened effect me in the way that they did, for the feelings i harbored against her. to be honest, i don’t know if this will lead to reconciliation, but its a step.
God is full of grace and peace.
i praise Him for that.
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Great post.
Lindsey Nobles´s last blog ..When Darkness Creeps In
That’s so true and definitely something I needed to read. There’s a very sore situation in my life and this puts everything into perspective. There have been times that I was unsure of exactly I was feeling or what I wanted to come from the situation and I’ve questioned whether or not I had really forgiven since I was steal kind of dealing with it, but this makes sense: what I want is reconciliation, and I kind of doubt that will happen, but in this situation, it may be for the best. I really enjoyed your post.
Didn’t you already write this? I thought I had read a post about the “difference between forgiveness and reconciliation” here before. Maybe that was Pete Wilson?
Zoiks, I dunno.
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Wow … true words Anne.
I have been here too and indeed there is more to it than forgiveness, because it’s a process. But unfortunately, sometimes reconciliation isn’t possible, because it’s a two persons deal.
Although I am sure that God can perform miracles all the time, and can surely soften hearts, so He must be included too here. So I think after all it’s a 3 persons deal (God included).
It’s not an easy and fast process but a long and hard one, and it requires a lot of faith.
Thank you for your wise words.
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Awesome stuff as usual, Anne! Always learning and re-learning these things.
Mike Filicicchia´s last blog ..An Interview with Tim Courtois, Part I
Thank you for writing this. I think sometimes we wrongly assume that forgiveness is synonymous with being BFFs again, and I don’t think that’s always gonna be the best way to come to peace between each other.
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This past Sunday I saw a video at our church that relates to this. It was a video of Tim Keller of Redeemer Preby CHurch in NYC, and it was about the prodigal son story.
I bought his book called The Prodigal God after hearing his message, but have not read it yet.
His message was that the story is not about the son who ran off. The story is the son who stayed home, and how the other son’s actions impacted him. The “good son” was resentful because the father had already split his estate between the boys. So every fatted calf, every gold ring, came out of his portion because the prodigal had spent his entire estate.
The difficulty, is the reconciliation. To forgive when it cost the forgiver something. This page has the message I heard on it, scan down the page for “The Prodigal Sons”
http://www.monergism.com/directory/link_category/Audio-and-Multimedia/Speakers-Lectures-and-Sermons/Tim-Keller/
Amazing book – read it soon!
Thanks for your great insight! This article was SO GREAT that I added it to my Wednesday Wisdoms’ post! The latest and greatest articles of the week! Check it out : http://createyourgreatlife.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/wednesday-wisdoms-2/
Thanks and have a wonderful day!
DeAnna
Four years after my 17 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver I was able to forgive. Grieving the death of my child was intense and left me with a feeling of hopelessness. It was only after forgiving that I found peace and joy again. Don’t ever give up on the forgiveness process as it is worth it when you forgive. Nice article.
Over here from diane’s blog – There are some people who will never acknowledge the hurt or pain they have caused…never….so, we have to deal with that. I always try to think: “Don’t let them win . . . again. Don’t let them hurt you all over again by carrying the weight of them on your shoulders….shake them off, step forward, and feel the light body of not carrying that person around.” I don’t know if that’s exactly forgiveness, but it is a release.
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