A couple of weeks ago, I asked where people felt most alone in their lives. Was it in their finances? Marriage? Singlehood (or is it singleness?) Church? Work?
One of the recurring themes was this notion of relationships that appear rich for a certain amount of time, but when a given circumstance changes (like somebody moves or changes their place of employment or leaves a church), the people in those once close relationships seem to fall off the face of the earth.
My dad was the pastor of four churches, and I remember him grieving relationships that would disappear. He would try and keep in touch with old friends but because we had moved, the relationships were more difficult to invest in. I’ve also been on staff at a handful of churches – one for several years – and some of the relationships I had that I thought would be lifelong changed the moment my zip code did.
Even now, as we’ve lived in the Nashville area for about a year and a half, we’ve moved from Nashville to Franklin, and I have gone from working full time on a church staff to writing and speaking full time, which has me traveling at least thirty weekends a year so I’m rarely actually attending the church I was on staff at. It’s been interesting to see how some of my relationships have changed when the circumstances changed.
In most cases, it seems like when our relationships are these “circumstantial” relationships, we tend to feel abandoned to some extent when they’re gone. Sometimes we reach out and aren’t met, and sometimes nobody moves and the relationship simply fizzles out.
And maybe those relationships weren’t meant to be a seasoned friendship.
And maybe that’s okay.
All this thinking on circumstantial relationships has me wondering if sometimes, we aren’t intentional enough in keeping up with people with whom we were once close. I know I’ve been guilty of investing in a relationship because I knew it was mutually beneficial to some degree, and when that changed, I pulled away. And I know that I’ve been in relationships with people who have done the same.
I’m just as guilty as using as I am of being used. Perhaps we all are.
Yes, I’m too busy. Or at least that’s how I feel and why my relationships tend to be shallow. I think that too business comes, though, from my unwillingness to care, to genuinely care and give and live all out for my friends instead of just wanting friends for myself.
When I actually do go all the way, friendships tend to last. Thank you for the reminder, Anne. It’s nothing we don’t already know – but it’s certainly something we always forget… or at least I do.
I actually focused the second half of last year on developing deeper friendships, and I’m trying to continue the trend this year as well.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
bondChristian?s last blog ..NOW: The “get rich quick” trick for getting things done
But Anne, that’s what Facebook is for! Seriously, as a pastor on my fourth iglesia, relationships from the previous two were somewhat close. And F-book has been a great help in keeping in touch. In fact, one of the guys who was in the youth as a 12-15 yr old, we’ve now hired to re=vamp our current church website (he’s 30 now). I just think that’s so cool.
I love keeping up w/friends (I hijack my husband’s account to read up) but there is something still missing from just reading updates. I think I am more wired for long one-on-one conversations…that’s me tho!
I am the same way.
Where I struggle inside of the facebook/twitter world is I want the conversation to move to a face to face relationship, not just a 140 character relationship.
I don’t really have that many circumstantial relationships/friendships. I’m incredibly loyal and faithful once someone is my friend (which can be tiring sometimes..). Distance and being busy are difficult factors in maintaining friendships, but my friends are SO important to me, I do everything in my power to keep our friendship strong.
That said, I only have 3 really close friends. They don’t live in my town, but we *want* and need each other in our lives, so we work hard at our friendships.
If it comes from only one side, it’s extremely hard on a friendship and it will almost always fizzle out, sadly. It’s tough to get to a point when you realize you’re more interested in them than the other way around… :(
I have had some great friendships fizzle out. Always due to some major life change (mine or theirs).
And, the truth is, I’m totally okay with it.
We connect with given people at given times because we need each other, then and there. Things change, needs change. I love and value every man and woman that has let me invest in them, and that invested in me in return. And because of that I can look back on EVERY different phase of my life and say “Ah, those were the days!” And when life permits it, and I am in the company of an “old” friend, we don’t mourn what was, we celebrate it, thank God for it. And say to each other “I’m so glad you’re doing well!”
Then, of course, the obligatory “We have go to grab coffee and get caught up!” which never happens. And that’s okay, too. ;)
Jamie, the Very Worst Missionary?s last blog ..You need to Wash your Reds. You know. For Haiti.
I think that this varies greatly from person to person. Some people (especially younger) are more transient (due to life and career choices) others are more entrenched. Some people are more outgoing and require more relationships because of their social nature. Some are more recluse and make excuses for maintaining relationships. Is it important for us to strive to maintain transparent and authentic relationships? No doubt. Does this mean that your best bud now will be your best bud 10 years from now? Not necessarily and sometimes that is ok. As we grow and mature our paths criss cross with a variety of other lives some for a season and some for life. No need to go around beating yourself up simply cuz your room mate from college is no longer your best bud!
Kenyon?s last blog ..Why?
I have thought a lot about this since your post on loneliness Anne. The conclusion I have come to so far is that yes sometimes its okay to have circumstantial friendships. I believe there are only so many people you can go really deep with at one time. However, when I think of the relationships that cause hurt there is something different going on. The pain is caused because I DID invest into that person and that relationship and just because I don’t attend the same church or small group anymore they no longer want to continue investing in one another. I think this happens in a lot of church circles and I actually think its wrong and very sad. From my experience there are different things going on; emotional instability, controlling pastors, no shared surface experiences anymore, too much dependence on the friendship and not on Christ.
Esther?s last blog ..When I stopped going to church. (part two)
eons ago as a child i went to 5 grade schools in 6 years -all different towns.
i thought i had overcome my own friendship shallowness in college, as i settled into a career, but soon realized that i hadn’t – and unfortunately never have.
i love my friends, and would die for most of them, but i’m pretty unemotional when a situational friendship ends or someone moves away. i hate that shallowness about myself, but it’s only when they leave, not when they’re here.
so – shallow friends don’t bother me at all, i just don’t expend any emotinal energy on worrying about them.
oh well – call me situational, call me cold relational, but please call me…..:) (that’s a joke btw)
Having been in vocational ministry for 20+ years and 4 moves my family and I have struggled with what you have described. Even though many friendships are “circumstantial” that does not mean they are insignificant. Many people have profoundly influenced my life, even if our relationship did not last past the move.
A friend shared that relationships/friendship are for a season, for a reason, or for a lifetime. I can honestly say there are a handful of lifetime (although we have been blessed, usually with a couple from each place of service). But that does not diminish the seasonal or reasonal (not sure that is a word).
I have some thoughts on a couple of your questions…
“If most of us seem hurt when these relationships end, maybe they were meant to go deeper than we?ve allowed them to.”
– Maybe we are taking a need for identity/affirmation to the friendship/relationship, instead of to God, who is the only one who can meet that need. People will break your heart, God won’t. (Apply that thought to our marriages. Ouch!)
“Are we too busy for nurturing and cultivating relationships outside of our everyday environments?”
– In my experience, unless BOTH parties are intent on building the relationship ‘because’ of your differences, whatever they may be, it just wont work. Your differences my be nationality, skin color, beliefs, location, schedule, or any multitude of things. It is very easy to build relationships with those who share many similarities with us, and very difficult otherwise.
Just my thoughts,
Rocco
Rocco?s last blog ..Rain…
This is my life right now. I’m married without children and while I love being around kids (my background is child development) some of my once friends start spending less time with friends in general and then exclusively with other parents. I see less and less of them because our circumstances are different.
Thanks, Anne.
Heidi?s last blog ..Give Me Jesus
Heidi – I hear what you are saying. I am a mom and I have found that so many of my “mom peers” want nothing to do with singles or other couples who don’t have kids. I think what it shows is our selfishness. As humans we like the comfort of knowing someone else relates to us. It’s sad because I think when people act like this they miss out on the diversity of the world around them.
Esther?s last blog ..When I stopped going to church. (part two)
I have spent my life moving around the country. I have very few friendships that have lasted. I am horrible at keeping up long-distance relationships. Evidently, my friends are too. Those I have loved have little idea how much I still care for them.
I deal with this loss by remembering that someday, we will have an eternal fellowship that isn’t meant for here, every day, every moment. We are only human, bound by time. Our capacity to keep up with relationships that come and go in the ebb and flow of life is limited. Even Jesus couldn’t do it when He was here in the flesh. He chose only twelve to keep close to Him, to know Him, though He loved thousands so deeply.
Someday, at that wedding feast, I plan to do a whole lot of catching up and deep-type loving!
Kelly Langner Sauer?s last blog ..Unwrapping This Hope
I’m with you. We’ve been married almost 7 years and no kids, and no plans for kids.
This is interesting. I see a connection between dissatisfaction with “circumstantial relationships” and not having “plans for kids.” This seems to be a modern phenomenon, especially for Christian couples. The idea that a Christian couple would enter the marriage covenant with “no plans for kids” was unheard of until the mid-20th century. Could it be that the disappointment inherent to “circumstantial relationships” may have something to do with the fact that choosing childlessness deviates from God’s plan for Christian marriage?
My husband and I are in the same boat. Lots of friends with kids, but no immediate plans for kids ourselves (been married six years).
[Sounds like one of us should write a post about this, Anne.] :-)
Fortunately, we haven’t really lost friends over this. We’ve just had to make some adjustments – baby-proofing the house, planning events for earlier in the evening, learning to tolerate loud noises and weird smells. In some ways, it’s been a real blessing because it’s given us the opportunity to talk about how we want to raise our children when we have them.
Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Dear John, Why do you find it so easy to believe?
If I came over you’d have to tolerate weird smells x2. Twins equal double smelliness. :)
Elizabeth Esther?s last blog ..Sexual molestation and the church
You’ve touched on an interesting and deep topic! Rachel’s suggestion about a post on this subject is a good one.
For us — no. My junk is broken. :) As it is with many others. We may adopt, or be a foster home, and we currently sponsor three lovely children across the world…. but I don’t believe that God intends for every couple to have children at least in the way we traditionally expect it.
Ouch. I’m sorry. ((hugs)) And yes, that makes sense. The world needs more compassionate foster and adoptive parents–that’s one of my dreams, too.
Elizabeth Esther?s last blog ..Sexual molestation and the church
This happens when you are single as well.
Almost all of my close friends are married. Once this started happening they started to pull away. Now they are having kids and in turn it means that they are going to hang out with people who have kids.
It is tough being the guy that doesn’t have a wife to bring along to their house or out to dinner. The third wheel is never fun. That can be a pretty limiting circumstance.
I think this is especially common for people in ministry because while serving at a particular place you give those people your all and then when you are called somewhere else it can be discouraging to lose touch or for people to seem like they just dont care enough to make the effort.
I think it all comes back to effort. We like convenience. We will take as many friends as we can get based on convenience, but when it begins to take effort and the extra effort, we lose interest.
We need to place more importance on relationships and be willing to make sacrifices in order to stay in touch and make it work.
Great post.
Rebecca Wattier?s last blog ..My Story (Part One)
I am very guilty of this. But at the same time, it’s not something I carry guilt about. Sometimes relationships are purely circumstantial.
It’s not that I don’t truly care about the people I have met along the stages of my life, but sometimes it’s not worth the effort to keep the relationship going.
I have close friends that live in different countries, and different hemispheres. Those are the ones you know were built on something more. Those are the ones worth putting in some effort.
Vin Thomas?s last blog ..What is Your Web Strategy?
Some (most) of my closest friends live thousands of miles away. During this season of processing relationships and how they change, I thought, “If something tragic happened, where would I go?” and my answer is somewhere far away to where some friends of mine live. The friends who get me for me and have seen me almost at my worst (and they know about my worst since they weren’t around to see it) :).
I’ve grieved many circumstantial relationships, and I wonder if part of the reason it’s so hard to let go of those non-forever friendships is because it’s so difficult to make NEW friends?!
That’s a great point. I’ve moved 33 times in under 30 years….it’s tough.
These are the types of relationships that I struggle with the most. Now that I am in my thirties… I am less disapointed with the way friendships can circumstantially fizzle out… but as a youth and younger adult, it was devastating to say the least. We all need solid, seasoned friendships in our lives. But, can you imagine that if people didn’t come and go… how much work… how exhausting it would be to maintain such a large number of friends? Yikes.
Friends that pass through have their place… they are just as important as a seasoned lifelong friend. Once we can appreciate them for what they are… it’s a lot easier to let go when the time comes.
Taking Heart?s last blog ..Bucket List
Every human relationship operates through means of circumstance. You are friends with someone because you like the same music or sports team or are both addicted to Lost or blah blah blah. When we boil any relationship down, we see it summed up as “I like the way this person makes me feel. I think I’ll keep them around.”
And then your friends get married or have kids or write a novel and those things make them happier than you do for a while. And that’s okay, because the fourth wall of relationships is torn down by sacrifice.
Normally we just sacrifice our pride and bite our tongues and smile and be happy for them, even though we miss them more than anything. What makes those friendships real is that they do that for you too. They smile and nod and are happy for you because they really truly are, and you for them.
Friendships have to adapt to circumstance like we have to adapt to the weather. We’ll have some good summers where we can run around barefoot and the days last forever; and we’ll have some cold winters when we’re iced in and our pipes are frozen and everyone disappears until March. But we’re still here in whatever capacity we need to be to survive.
But maybe I just read too much Kierkegaard — Ian
Too much Kierkegaard is never a bad thing.
Anne Jackson?s last blog ..Circumstantial Relationships
Did we just become best friends?
At least pen pals, right? — Ian
Ian Scott Paterson?s last blog ..Mass Hysteria
I’ve realized that friendships are not always covenant based but often seasonal base. I’d love to think every wonderful relationship that I discover will last a lifetime, but sadly it’s not so. In my case, particularly being involved in a large ministry for many years I’ve met and develop several close relationships, and for whatever reason, once people move on- the relationship ends usually with no good byes, no explanation, no return calls. (?) It’s the strangest thing. Eventually, I’ve learned not to be attached to any relationships at church and guard my heart, which was sad, as that should be the place you should be less cautious, but not so. Today, I’m grateful on the few meaningful ones that I do have..that have been life long from my teen years. Those friendships are hard to find and rare as a treasure.
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I am still really good friends with several people from 15 years ago. Isn’t that weird? And we’ve lived and moved all over.
I have held onto friendships and gotten hurt before. I hated the fact that they were changing. I invest so much in my relationships that it can be difficult for me when things change. I’ve come to accept the fact that just because things change doesn’t mean that I’ve been rejected. It doesn’t reflect me or mean I’m a bad person. It means that things change. And that’s a good thing! We can stay connected in other ways. It’s been a process of coming to accept the fact that not all friendships were meant to last my whole life. I think we all have those circumstancial relationships because some people are there to help us get to the next level or just to take a next step. I don’t consider that being used for me personally, just the nature of relationships.
That’s a great perspective.
Apparently, because of Facebook, circumstantial friendships have a lot to do with our lives. I have only a couple friends that I talk to regularly from high school. but with facebook, i watch what they put and they watch what I put. We are friends, but not really. But facebook is huge because we desire to connect, circumstantial or not.
I desire real friendships, but they are very few and far between. Doesn’t seem like too many people desire true friendships. The laying our life down for our friends kind.
My wife and I have been in the ministry for 35 years. We relate to this article. Relationships aren’t always what they seem to be. Only time reveals the lifelong friendships. Not always, but many of ours have to do with us experiencing opportunity to minister to someone in their time of need. Also, because we are a mobile society I think people are afraid to invest in each other knowing that we will part company at some time in the future. Electronic technology may be helping here.
Also, half of the population in the US are “Thinkers” (70% men, 30% women) and Thinkers don’t connect like “Feelers” (70% women, 30% men). If you’re not familiar this terminology it is Myers Briggs Personality lingo for the way we choose to make our judgements in life.
Lots of reasons for LT & ST relationships, but “I say go for it” people expand our experience on this planet, and we can grow through each relationship we have regardless of length.
I had two friends this past couple of years, friends I’ve had for decades, just do the slow fade. I still frankly grieve about it, and I’m wondering “Are all friendships like that, just a game that we play with each other, until something better comes along?”
The problem is that I depended on those friendships too much. I lack the social skills to make new ones, so I’m sort of at a point where I don’t know what to do.
This is a hard thing for me…I have moved a lot in life – Dallas, Boulder, Dallas, Birmingham, Nashville – and have friends from each season. Not to mention friends from camp, friends from jobs, etc.
When I moved to Nashville, I really had the attitude that I was done cultivating close relationship. I had already established the friendships that would last me a lifetime and although I needed to find people to hang out with, I didn’t need any more best friends.
And that left me feeling miserable. It wasn’t until I let some of those friends wane that I found space to really build a deep network here. I still stay in touch with those people but they are not walking through life with me everyday so our conversations are more catching up and occasionally digging into deep issues than accountability, heart checks.
All this too say…I think we have to appreciate the seasonality of life and relationships. Because we have an infinite amount of time & energy to invest in people. And we should constantly be making sure we are investing in the right people.
Lindsey Nobles?s last blog ..Drafting Blueprints, Part 5
So many dear friends have come and gone from our lives over the years, due to work-related moves.
I didn’t realize what my pain was all about until a wise friend named it – abandonment.
We can continue to try to keep up the relationship, but it is hard. It’s not that it’s “out of sight, out of mind,” it’s just that life goes on and there’s only so much time and energy to go around.
The joy comes when we finally do re-connect – and within minutes, pick up where we left off. It’s like they never went away.
But oh when I think of it, how I still miss those special friends …
Linda Stoll?s last blog ..A "Creeping Separateness"
I struggle with this so much.
The reason I struggle is because I try really hard to keep in touch with friends once our circumstances change, but it seems that a lot of time it is tough because one of us drops the ball. I hate getting phone calls from friends and the only reason they called was to ask for something. I try to not be that guy, but you are right, once you chance circumstances it is very difficult to keep that personal day to day relationship going.
I use stuff like blogs and twitter to stay up to date with what friends are doing. It does help in the fact that I know something they are doing and we can kind of pick up where we let off. But it is still very limited and difficult.
But nurturing a good relationship is very difficult, especially when you are in a new environment. It is like you are having to start over and the work is almost too much.
I do find that as the most difficult thing, cultivating those relationships.
I just wish we all lived within a one block radius of each other and would not have to worry about all of this.
Something to look forward to in heaven I guess.
This hits me right in the gut today, as my wife and I were talking for hours about this over the weekend, as well as yesterday.
I struggle so much with the circumstantial friendships in my life. But, I think I struggle with it so much because they are the only friendships I have in my life. I do all I can to cultivate them, which only leads to resentment and loneliness when I get nothing back.
My wife says I’ve begun to put too many unrealistic expectations on friendships. I fear that she’s right.
dangit.
I think we may be in the same darn boat.
Hey, does that mean we’re friends?
Well, we totally can be. But I shall warn you-my wife and I lay it all out. No time for the chit chat. Let’s get right to the bearing of burdens, por favor. It’s better that way.
We’re in AZ, so if you guys are looking for a desert retreat, get in touch. We need little notice. We have no friends. :)
I don’t know if circumstantial relationships have a role in our lives. Maybe they are more or less a latent function how we’ve lived.
That may sound cynical and, if so, I don’t mean it to be. I’m just trying to look at from the role of why they happen. It’s not often I meet someone with the intention of being a circumstantial peer. No one does that.
With that, I tend to err on the side that were meant to have much more serious relationships than what many of us do. I’ve got a core group of friends that I’ve known for years. I’d go as far to say as we’re fiercely loyal to one another. But that’s the thing, I’ve known them for years. It takes time to build up that kind of relationship.
It’s a lot easier to let ‘em fall apart.
I don’t know if we’re too busy or not. I think life is different once you get to be an adult – I’m not making excuses, though. There are more demands of your time so you have to intentionally focus on cultivating a relationship (or multiple ones if you can roll like that).
So I don’t know if we’re too busy or if we’re just not focused. Or maybe both.
I feel like I rambled on, but that’s cool..
Tom?s last blog ..If God exists, why would He bother creating us?
Love it. Not cynical at all. Very sooth-sayerish of you.
The hard part is when you have completely surrendered your life to Christ; and, your forever friend calls it extreme because You could give a care less about things in this world, i.e. cable, gym membership, Girl-Trip vacation’s, fancy restaurants, etc… I just want to serve, and to accomodate my new simplistic desires, my priorities have did a 180……
It’s wonderful, this new found simplistic way of living-but, heart wrenching, too….But, God!
at the cross.
xo
Reese?s last blog ..Prayer SOS
Growing up in a military family that moved every few years may have given me a little different take on friendships. Saying goodbye to friends was a fact of life. I think it encouraged me to make friends faster, and to enjoy the relationships as much as possible while they lasted.
I’ve been mulling over similar thoughts lately as I struggle to really define what community is and why I feel it’s so lacking in my life.
On the surface, it appears I have good community and friendships. I’ve been attending my current church for a year and a half and, though I’m an introvert, I strived really hard to get to know others and participated in nearly every activity my church offered. Couples group? I was there. I’m there EVERY Sunday for church, I attend a women’s Bible study on James even though I just completed the identical study last year with a different group. I attend every community outreach project, helped out in VBS, attend morning prayer on Wednesdays, volunteer for things I’m not good at nor have a huge passion for just to help out…..I could possibly be the most active church person ever.
And the one that feels most alone.
To this, I admit it’s not just “them” or the church lacking community. It probably exists. I’m just not a part of it. Or perhaps I am a part of it yet don’t feel or realize I’m a part of it. I don’t know.
I do know that I’m a melancholy personality and “friendship” to me means something much deeper, much more real, than it does to perhaps others. I also know that I tend to compare and make unfair comparisons as well. Add to that, I’m a strange girl who is hardly girly at all and finds little in common with other women.
There are times I wonder if I expect too much? If this is just how friendships and community is in the fast paced world we live in? If I’m wrong for wanting more, and if more is even possible. Or perhaps its just ME personally and my own personality that people don’t like. Perhaps I lack deeper friendships because others see no value in investing their time in me? I read a blog post recently about that and it has deeply made me wonder…. and saddens me too that perhaps I’m just not worthy of the time it takes to cultivate a friendship…. at least to the “in” people of the church.
I read a lot and most Christian books make a big deal about community and being connected….. we were designed to be relational; to live and share our lives with others and that our God is a relational God…. a God that loves all and accepts, delights and finds worth in all….. yet sometimes I really fail to see this in Christian circles in our interaction with others, and if I don’t see it there, does it exist anywhere?
Though I’m complaining, I tend to “keep” the friends that are important to me. I have a group I’ve known since fourth grade and we all keep in touch. I make it a point to keep in touch. I just wish that I could cultivate those types of friendships currently.
torybee?s last blog ..Wild Mustard
I’m not a ‘girly’ girl myself torybee and yes, I don’t find I have a lot in common with a lot of women. I have found by just being who I am, those women I do find commonality with, become good friends. I love one of those ladies, who I work with really closely, she’s very much a believer in just being herself. One of her favourite lines in referring to how others might perceive her is “how do you like me now?” People love her genuineness.
Patti?s last blog ..New Year; New Look
I tend to have a pretty strong sense of who are friends and who are acquaintances in my life. The friends circle is very small and I make an effort to keep that relationship alive regardless of where the person lives. Acquaintances, I expect at some point the link will fade or break and it isn’t something I get too upset about.
My late husband once told me I had a bad attitude when I used the term ‘acquaintaince’ instead of ‘friend’. Sadly he learned what I meant when so many of his ‘friends’ dropped contact with him when they learned he was dying. His real friends increased their contact with the friend they were going to lose.
Patti ?s last blog ..New Year; New Look
Thank you for this post, Anne. This resonated with me on several levels.
For as long as I can remember I have been someone who always went to great lengths to try to maintain contact and relationships. This may have been because I went to multiple schools growing up, have various different jobs and now have moved state-to-state several times. Observing seasons changing in relationships has always been interesting to me, and I’ve felt a variety of ways when those things changed.
Lately I’ve come to understand the difference between loving people and loving the feeling I get from people. Not long ago I heard a preacher remark that there are people you “spend” time with and people you “invest” time with. I’ve also been realizing that sometimes we feel strain and pain when relationships change because in some way we were expecting something from that person that we can only get from God.
I’m now trying to focus on trusting God for my ultimate relational needs, and loving people and investing time where I can in the process.
Hope that wasn’t rambling. :) Great post!
By the way, there’s a great message on Spiritual Friendship from Timothy Keller that I think would be a good companion to some of these thoughts. You can listen or download it for free here http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/spiritual-friendship
My husband and I have lived in the same place for the past 10 years, (I’ve been here for 15), and so we often feel like we’re the ones standing still while others come and go. The upside of this is that circumstantial relationships help keep us from getting cliquish. Just the other night we were talking about how sad it was to lose some close friends to California, but how much fun we were having making new friends. It sucks to see relationships lose some of their flavor as time and distance separate us, but it’s cool to look back and see the diversity of people that have come in and out of our lives, teaching us new things and new ways to look at the world.
Rachel H. Evans?s last blog ..Dear John, Why do you find it so easy to believe?
So…it’s been almost 17 years….think we’ll still be friends? :)
I have a feeling! :)
Great post Anne. I think this issue specific to people in ministry is one of those things that’s rarely talked about, but it has real effects on your life. I recently transitioned out of a ministry position, & it’s amazing how quickly people who once called you a good friend move on. At the same time, I don’t know what the solution is. You’re right that we contribute to it, but it’s a weird dynamic. Maybe somebody should write a book about it, maybe somebody who has already tackled one of the skeleton’s in the ministry closet: like burnout. No pressure, just a thought.
Matt Bowman?s last blog ..
I remember getting an email poem once upon a time about friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I firmly believe that! I have had many friendships while we shared the same…church, work, location, etc. Then some when we were going through a specific season – like the loss of our son 6 years ago. The other moms I met then were friends for a season. We haven’t kept in touch, but we helped each other on a bumpy path. A season of grieving together. And then for a lifetime…you are plan stuck with them. If you only rely on your lifetime friends they may not know how to support you as well as someone in the same season as you. did that make any sense? I have had some minor breaks with reality today.
Chris K?s last blog ..Genesis 16:1-18:33
I’m willing to do an experiment if you all pitch in. Help me win the lottery and I will tell you how many friends return from the shadows. It is a win-win. Whadda ya think? ;)
My whole life has involved circumstantial relationships so it feels. I once heard a say that some friends last forever, some last for a season and some are for today…or something like that. This really helped me settle any pain over loss of friendship. God allowed them to bless my life for whatever time they were a part of it.
But Anne, you reminded me that I too have played a part in the distance. I think for me, life becomes to busy in the present that to invest in all the friendships I’ve had would take huge amounts of time. Not that they aren’t worth it but friendship definitely take more work when you aren’t mutually sharing the “same life” anymore. However, those friendships that continue even after you’ve moved away or changed, can be rich and are definitely worthwhile.
Mindy?s last blog ..Purple Mountain Majesties
Tough one. As a minister, I have several ‘relationships’ but not anyone I think I could really call ‘friend’. I have been hurt way too much by church people using information shared with them to want to take the risk again. And I find, that when I do share things in my life during study, or prayer, or sermons, to be transparent, people tend to get freaked out. Many folks just don’t want to know what is really going on in their ministers life. I have to confess though, I do miss having a really close brother. Thank God for my wife.
I’ve struggled with this a lot having lived in 4 different countries (5 if you count home) and countless locations over the past 10 years. I think it may be a by-product of the transient lives many people live nowadays. We need friends and it is only natural to form friendships with the people who we spend time with through whatever circumstances we find ourselves in. But as those circumstances change it seems we either have a choice of trying to maintain the old friendships or investing in the new people we find in our lives. I’m not sure most people (or at least I know I can’t) have the emotional energy to do both. But I do think that one reason sites like Facebook have become so popular is that it allows, albeit a superficial, connection with people we don’t get to spend time with any more. I love that I can keep up with people I never see and probably wouldn’t have been able to keep up with through regular methods.
I teach English to university students in Japan and a lot of them get to know native English speaking teachers and students who then go back to their home countries. Many of the students also study overseas. They get very emotional when people leave. I worry that I no longer invest the same amount of emotion in new friendships having been through it many times. But anyway, I try to tell them not to focus too much on the loss but instead to think of the chance they had to meet people they’d never have done if people didn’t travel. So maybe we need to learn to thank God for all the friendships we’ve had even if they only last for a short time.
Anyway, maybe all but a very few friendships are ever really meant to go very deep anyway. There’s so much I could say on this topic, but I’ll try and stop there.
Incidentally it seems like people in Japan are much better at keeping up with friends from different stages in their lives. With (fairly) regular opportunities for “reunions” with high school, etc. friends.
Kamsin?s last blog ..In His hands
Hey Anne,
I have felt this pain on many occasions and it hurts more than about anything on earth. There are people that I call and pursue and hope and there is very little reciprocated. I am very intentional and work very hard at relationships, but it always sucks when the person you are intentional with doesn’t care. Ally and I hope that we didn’t hurt you and Chris. We still love you guys and would love to have you out to hang with our family. My girls love the snot out of you. Anyhow, I’m not sure if we are included in the “circumstantial”…because I really don’t want to be. I’d love to be in your life as much as you’ll let us in.
Much love,
Blake
Blake Bergstrom?s last blog ..Highway to the grave?
This article was AMAZING! SO good that it made my top pick’s this week on Wednesday Wisdoms! Check it out:
http://createyourgreatlife.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/wednesday-wisdoms/
My Best,
DeAnna
Thanks, DeAnna
I have nothing new or interesting to say on the topic… just wanted to say that I completely identify with circumstantial relationships within the church. I have done life as a pk, dk, mk, and have also been serving in leadership positions at 5 different churches for a total of 17 years and in 3 different countries to add to the dramatic effect;-) I know about transition and expectation. I still choose to dive in to each new situation and then deal with the aftermath as it comes. And it always comes. Thanks again Anne for your asking the question.
Man, did I NEED to read this!!
Seasonal, Circumstantial and at times, down right, disappointing…………relationSHIPS need to be steered……..& steering those HUGE ships takes practice, time and skill.
I know I said this already…but Man, did I NEED to read this!!!
Thanks so much for sharing this!
Sometimes I wonder why it is so hard to rust God with our friendships. I’ve struggled with these issues for years, as I’ve watched God set me on the path that has seen me travel a ton and develop close friends across the globe. Somedays it’s amazing, and other days all I want is to be able to curl up on a sofa with my friend who lives thousands of miles away.
I’ve been talking about this a lot with a friend in Glasgow recently. We’ve grown really close in a ridiculously short time-frame, just as I’m about to move away from Glasgow. We’ve needed each other, but are now struggling to figure out how to adjust to living in different countries. We’ve both been hurt by friends who’ve moved on in the past – and I’m grateful for your reminder that I’ve been that friend who’s hurt someone in the past too.
Sometimes I wonder if facebook and social networking actually means that we try to keep up, on a shallower level, with so many people that we miss how deep we could go with a handful, if only we’d let it.
emma?s last blog ..Grey Hair, Creamola Foam & Silence
i often refer to the revolving door of my life in ministry. living on the mission field for twelve years, so many people have come and gone. intentionally. they serve with us for a week, two weeks, two months, a year, three years, whatever… and then they go home. my heart has grown to dread the neverending hellos and goodbyes.
but even more so, i hate it in my personal relationships. i get that friendships are sometimes just for a season. but for a girl who struggles to trust and chooses to risk in that way with someone… i don’t want it to be just for a season. i want that risk and investment to be “worthwhile”. for life. even though that isn’t likely with the majority of people.
i feel as though that’s caused me to be more selected in who i go there with. at the same time, i know i can’t put that pressure on them, even unspokenly, to be in my life for life. i desire that. i hope for that. i love them and want them in my life for life. but they could still choose to walk away, for any number of reasons. and i know my heart will ache. and trust will come even harder next time around.
i don’t know that i have any answers to any of your questions. just ramblings from a tired heart.
alece?s last blog ..she was my first