when i learned that the deadly viper book (which if you haven’t yet, buy it here, now!) had a chapter in it on burnout, i was thrilled! if you’re new here, i’m working on a book which talks about healing from and preventing burnout in the western church culture. burnout is a rarely discussed topic and one that seems to be so prevalent in our society today. not just in the church, but everywhere.
being a type-a personality, a first born, a perfectionist, and well, just me – i have a tendency to fall into the danger zone when it comes to burnout. a little over two years ago, it landed me in the hospital for a week and consequently out of work for an additional three weeks to sort through my brain’s meltdown. it was not a pretty sight.
since then, chris and i have established some boundaries when it comes to work, freelance, writing books, and speaking. something the book says which i wholeheartedly agree with is
YOU HAVE TO LEAD YOURSELF.
for me, leading myself means saying no. and sometimes saying no disappoints people.
They write,
“Perhaps most important in all of this is that we have become okay with disappointing other people. We can’t be all things to all people. But we have prioritized our family and our friendships and have become more concerned about not disappointing them…We try to listen to our bodies, minds, friends, and family. We have to be very in touch with how much we can process or take. We get plenty of sleep. We aren’t opposed to seeing a counselor or some coach. In fact, everybody should do some “couch time” at some point on the journey.”
that is where it gets me. i hate disappointing people. i want to be all things to everyone – the best wife, the sharpest employee, the most considerate friend, the most giving family member, and the most effective communicator.
and then i realize; all those things are about me. ME ME ME. nothing about bringing glory to god. nothing about even desiring to grow in my relationship with christ. obviously, i do…but it gets so easily shoved to the bottom of the list when i feel i have to do all these things.
through both “some time on the couch” and through a “coach” type of person, i have realized my need to DO-DO-DO all the time is because i feel like i must.
confession: i am very insecure. and in order to find my security, i think i have to fill my life up with all these really great things. funny thing is i’ve been filling and filling and filling for the last ten years and i’m still just as empty as i was when i graduated.
but with some intentionality…
slowly, i’ve been able to simplify.
slowly, i’m juggling fewer balls, and i’m juggling the ones i have better.
slowly, i’ve been sleeping better, relaxing more, and prioritizing my relationship with christ.
what about you? are you hanging on by a very thin thread – ready to snap at any moment? do you have some margin built into your life? what areas do you need to reevaluate in order to be healthy?
This may not sound like the best way to approach things but I had to start telling myself “whats the worse they can do to me? Eat me? Spank me? Take my birthday away? They’re not going to kill me over it so what then? I TRIED my best.” I had to for the sake of self preservation.
Anne,
Thanks for sharing all week long about the deadly viper book. I had heard about a few weeks ago, and was trying to decide whether I wanted to give it a try or not. You have got my interest up, and I hope to get it soon!
Man…right now I struggle with this in a different way. Earlier this year I was “doing all that” and had to stop for me and the kids. I let go of a lot of responsiblities this summer. I felt immediate release of burdens and guilt. But now the church feels like I’m slacking (pastors wife here!)…how bad is that when you feel burnout because the church pushes it!!
GGW-The “church feels like you’re slacking?” Please tell me they haven’t told you to show up with your pastor’s wife A game…seriously…
so i’ve already put in 55 hours this week (since saturday) and it’s only thursday morning…i still have 10-12 hours to go before this week is over..and still everything won’t get done……yes, i raise my hand and admit…i’m at the point of burnout.
i keep telling myself that if i can just make it four more weeks, i will be released from some of the burdens of this semester and its internship…but i know myself. i will take on a thousand other tasks…
as strange as it sounds…i HAVE re-established sabbath this semster and it has been the only thing to keep me sane…(well, some people would argue with my sanity…but..)
thanks for posting anne.
it is hard because i have a hard time saying no when it has to do with “church” things…its like you feel bad saying no because “it is the Lords work.” i think for me it has a lot to do with needing the aproval…needing to know that people are seeing me places. It is almost pride. I push myself until i cant and then i break down.
I know that it is not healthy, but there is guilt associated with saying no to the church. eventhough the LORD commands us to have a sabbath it feels wrong to enjoy your day off if there is something that needs to be done on the day off….i find myself calling in or answering emails…not because i have to but because i feel bad if i am not helping.
I also have the personality that doesnt want to miss out…i dont want to not be a part of a story or know what someone is talking about…so i stay out late and drive myself to exhaustion because i want to be in the know.
it is a goal of mine for this month to begin to say no to events and things that are not required of me….but defining those things have been hard.
sorry to blab on. ;)
I see thoughts and confessions in the comments above (and your post Anne) that could be be copied from my own internal journal. this week, i took the week off… to breathe. :) Working in the church, at least at my church and I am sure many many others, runs at such a crazy pace that it feels like you can never catch up… there is always another event, another new message series… another … another… my personality is to take it on. work it out. fix. solve. delegate. i feel like i am at the bat and the pitcher keeps throwing me balls… (ok, i know little baseball termology, but go with me here) and they start easy, I enjoy hearing the crack of the bat… watching others make it home, etc… but then the balls come faster, closer together… i start missing some… sometimes the balls hit me and they hurt…but they keep coming… and each time I do hit the ball… instead of feeling the happiness of making it home… i am worrying about the next ball… being prepared for the next time… its interesting writing this. because i really do feel incredibily blessed to work on the staff i do at at the church i do. i am just tired, i miss having a life outside of the church. is that terrible??? I feel terrible and guilty even saying it. i hear all the time “give everything to the Lord” “Lord you have my all” etc etc and I believe it… but ugh… does ALL have to be so exhausting??? Shouldn’t this be more fun? Shouldn’t I enjoy serving?
And my biggest issue… a mission trip. i want to say no, i want to say yes. i don’t want to miss out on a cool opportunity, i don’t want to disappoint anyone for not going… i keep asking God for peace about it, but I am so “blahaggagagh” right now…
first off, thats the best chicken picture at the top of the blog ive ever seen…wow!..
if i dont control my schedule i become the biggest jerk to everyone…this has been an incredibly busy season of life and im ready for it to be over…mid november im slowing down..i dont care…that will be my limit….im going to go to longer lunches…sit and read…play more catch with my son…take my wife on more dates…if dont do this stuff im going to fry…
my problem, i say yes waaaaayyyy tooo often…i got that needing approval thing going too…m.
http://www.DeadlyViper.org
Um first of all where did you find that picture of me I swore I burned that with the one of me at the Christmas party…
I have been filling my time with meaningless crapola. I missed trick-or-treating with the kiddos last night because this stupid paper that should have been written well over a month ago. I miss out on reading and spending time with God because 3 extra mins in bed in the morning lies to me and tells me that it will help and 11pm when I need an extra 3 hours to do work. (don’t trust sheets, mainly warm ones they are bluffing) I do this so often and really its all about me.
Re-evaluation is coming…deadline to follow.
So I understand that it is up to me to reduce burn out in my life. And as a church staff person I have to stand up and say “no”. But heres the deal. If I say no, and the next person down the line says no then it doesn’t get done, and I’m not talking about meaningless tasks here. How about organizing an outreach event. Or heading up a prayer team? Do we just stand by and scratch our heads and say “Well, guess we don’t need a prayer team.” This is really a difficult and personal issue for me, but more so from an organizational standpoint…what do others think about this?
Kenyon-
You raise a great question!
My own personal thoughts on this are…
Stopping burnout does not always mean saying NO!
The opposite of burning out isn’t working 40 hours a week instead of 80.
It’s doing the things you know you’re supposed to do (not because it’s “for Jesus”) but because you’re in a right relationship with him.
Burnout is a huge problem facing the church. So is laziness. There are definitely seasons to everything but if you really listen to the Spirit, you’ll know when something is just beckoning to be done or if it’s really of Him.
Some questions I ask myself….
“Does this interfere with my worship/communion with Christ?” (if yes, then I say no).
“Will this jeapordize my relationship with my husband?” (if yes, then I say no. If I’m not sure, I talk to him about it).
“Is this me trying to prove something to myself or others?” (If yes, I say no)…
So…there are a few ways I personally walk through it…as we are each unique, so will our callings, giftings, and situations be.
If we are operating in Spirit mode, we’ll be fine. Using HIS strength. But if we’re operating in self mode, we will burn out…
Dang…that’s good. You must spend a lot of time thinking about this stuff. You should write a book! Seriously, that’s great solid advice that I really do appreciate. I honestly want to cry sometmes because this issue is so hard and it very quickly becomes personal. Especially if you question someone’s motives for saying no. Thanks.
I just am on vacation all the time… How could I possibly burn out?
First of all, decapitated chicken is very disturbing.
Secondly, before reading Kenyon’s comment, mine was going to be similar. I very much agree. I am not on staff at my church but I am very involved as a lay person in several different ministries. If I say no, sometimes it doesn’t happen at all. Also, I have experienced a lot of saying no recently on the part of other people when I need help. I am definitely part of the 10% at my church (the ones who do 90% of the work). I know some people really are saying no because they need to but a lot are just lazy, I think.
I don’t want to be lazy.
But, you ask if we have margins. I have none and this is a problem. This is something I really need to fix. Because really, I am becoming burnt.
yes. we ARE the same person.
and i’m not sure the thread even exists anymore. as i write this, it is 4:30 p.m., my eye lids are heavy, my head is throbbing and i have 4 more hours to go. i have lost all sense for what really matters and, in trying so desperately to prioritize and treat people well, i mixed up the list and disappointed the wrong people.
this is what it looks like to be at the end of the rope, with no more thread left to hang on to.
learning to say no sometimes was the best thing i ever did
(i imagine that people who say no all the time probably need to learn to say yes more often :)
Anne,
Did you say the book you were writing is in the context of this post?
I think this is one of the most relevant issues in “church” culture today.
I look forward to reading your book.
I am beginning to be on the other side of this…(the headless chicken)
I have learned to start just being the man God made me to be, instead of what all of the pre-suppositions of others, (even pastors and other christians) expect me to be, and all the burnout and overbusiness is burning off from the light of that like a fog fading in the morning light…
I have never been more fulfilled as a husband, father, and man of God.
I heard an interview with Henry Blackabee today in which Henry described a transformation from being a young man who had “given his life” to the Lord into a young man in which God had exercised His authority over the life given to Him.
I think that is the difference between burnout, and soaring on Eagle’s Wings. When we “give our lives” to Christ.. we will burn out… like Peter saying he will never deny Christ…
But when we trust God to work in our lives, because He has demonstrated that He is God… there is an inward leaning on Him for everything from that moment on… no matter what were doing…
The difference between those two things is so simple, and yet so deeply profound it will surely be misunderstood…
Anyway… too deep for me, im outta here…
I popped over via Mel’s World – man, this is so me! I felt like I was reading about myself. Over and over I tell myself – chill, slow down – listen, hear and within a while I’m zooming off again. It’s a battle isn’t it?
I often find myself in way over my head and headed to burning. It was the end of my internship when my poor work habits/over-worked habits started… thinking that if I did more somehow everything would be better. i couldnt bring myself to move on to the next season of life… and then I said the words, but what about the students. What about them? God has a plan for them that is bigger than just me.
Everything said above makes a lot of rational sense, but too often pastors fall into the “what about me” or the “without me” mentality. Without me doing something it wouldn’t get done… and maybe that would be a good thing. I know too many pastors that do more events not for the outreach but for the fact they will be leading something. Do churches really need another event? That we in our brilliant, burned out genius threw together?
So, a couple of days ago I found myself facing way too much to handle, feeling the burn coming on and I took a right step… I sat down and prayed and opened up the word and God totally spoke… Mark 6… the disciples were rowing so hard that they were unawared of the miracles going on all around them (I am paraphrasing).
How often are we rowing so hard and totally miss God’s miracles?
Sorry for the length… and i love the headless chicken!
We will always say no to something. If I say yes to this thing, I’m saying no to the thing that won’t get done. Or to my family/relationships. Again. For me its a matter of discernment. My former church had a huge issue several years ago and literally put all their programs on the table with the idea of “what do we keep and what do we axe”. Some of the criteria, and prayer, were whether they had leaders in place to drive the program. Was it in line with the mission of the church? Is that need being met well by another church or organization they could partner with? Why are we doing this–because its always been done? And there were no sacred cows. A lot came off that table. And eventually, more could be put back on. I think its a constant ebb and flow. Nothing is going to work perfectly. And grace needs to be slathered over the whole thing on all sides.
“If we are operating in Spirit mode, we’ll be fine. Using HIS strength. But if we’re operating in self mode, we will burn out…” Yeah Anne. Right on.
Anne:
Hooray for this blog. You’re getting so EXACT on what we embrace at least once or twice a month – “The I-quit syndrome.” True priorities should be God first, Husband/Wife, second, and third congregation. But, we are finding more and more the “D” “divorce” word being mentioned; it grieves our soul down to the bare bones that if we don’t counsel and spend quality time with these couples, we’ve missed a phenomenal opportunity to listen to their hearts and show them that “D” is not the answer. And when anger is at the root, it takes time to get the couple to even want to sit on the same couch! Our hearts ache to see the end result when arguments cease and they are on the same page with each other. The “I-quit” comes in when the time is wasted because of not seeing any positive results. But, we just keep on encouraging each other because there is light at the end of the tunnel for these couples. Our only regret is that your book “Mad Church Disease” would be published sooner….ugh….I lack in the patience department…but we truly thank God daily for you Anne!
All of the above comments really speak clearly to our malaise and mis-focus as Christians (MYSELF included). We are so much more into “doing for God” rather than “being with God”.
It’s the Mary/Martha, human doing vs. human being, dilemma that will never go away this side of heaven.
For me, the “balance” issue was greatly aided when I stopped seeing Jesus as “#1″ in my life on a priority list and began to see Him as the CENTER of my life. Living up to a list of “#1, #2, #3 …” feels like failure in itself.
Now, when I evaluate what I do, my first question is, “How is Jesus connected to this, and what part of me HAS to be involved for it to happen?”