I haven’t written about sex on here in a long time. With some recent comments on my post, an emotional affair, and some emails resulting from that topic I thought now might be a good time.
The title of this post is true. 100%. I could cheat on my husband. I remember several years ago, hanging out at my old church talking with one of my friends. I don’t know how we got on the subject but we started talking about infidelity and how nobody is immune from it.
She said,
“I could cheat on my husband. no doubt. I totally could.”
Her initial candidness surprised me at first, but within moments, I realized how right she was. Four staff members had fallen into the trap of an affair in this church, and several of our key volunteers had as well – all within a couple years. I remember everyone’s reaction who learned of the affairs:
“Never in a million years would I have thought…”
Exactly.
And let me tell you, I keep in touch with some of these people who were involved in the affairs, and they say the exact same thing:
“Never in a million years would I have thought…”
I love my husband. I adore him. He is the most generous and patient person in the world. And never in a million years would I think I could cheat on him.
It’s that mindset and letting down your guard where the devil would love to throw you in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and then before you know it…
You are the one who is looking in the mirror wondering how in the world you could have done it.
You are the one whose heart is pounding in your throat because you know you have to confess to your beloved.
You are the one who has to look your children in their eyes and explain why you’re going to be away for a while.
You are the one who is crumpled on the floor like a big ball of goo, weaping your entire being out in a deluge of tears and pain.
It could happen to me.
It could happen to you.
my wife knows how to shoot a glock and shes not afraid to use it. that scares me.
I agree 100%. It actually wasn’t long after I was married that I realized i totally have the potential to cheat on my wife. It scares me to death. And the day I start to think that I could never have an affair, or that it stops scaring me, I’m screwed. (Sorry – pun was kinda intended.)
So I try to keep myself out of situations of temptation as much as I can, but the truth is, the opportunity will find a way to present itself at some point or another. Which is why I have to remind myself to be on guard, to consistently be aware of how great what I have it, and look around at what such mistakes have cost in the lives and ministries of others around me.
We recently had David Nasser (www.davidnasser.com) at our church and he spoke on husbands leading their wives relationship with God. It made us realize that we rarely spent any time studying it together (and believe me, we do just about EVERYTHING together!) I believe that if we will consistently pray and study the word together, then that will be our first & number one guard against infidelity.
Great post!
Phew…what a topic…and your are so right on.
We have to be humble and realize that we are indeed housing our new creation in jars of clay. I am capable of just about any depraved thing…and that is a fact.
Now, the answer, I think is not to “not do” or simply focus on the negative aspect and the fall out of such–even though that needs to be in the forefront. The antidote is realizing who we really are. We are children of God with all the resources of the kingdom and the King at our beck and call. We are loved. We can love. Do we really believe we have a new identity in Christ. Like my pastor often says, the battle of the Christian is one of faith. Do I believe? Not, what should I do or not do (which hopefully is obvious?).
Anyway, my two cents.
I couldn’t agree more. With this, and many other moral situations, you are most susceptible to falling into them when you’ve always had the mindset of “I would never let that happen”, or a feeling of being above it. That’s when you find yourself in a situation you thought you’d never see, and you’re very unprepared for it.
While I am not married, sexual temptations is my biggest vice and I’ve always seen adultery as something that is definitely within my capability. It’s even hard not to associate it with the dramatic romanticism of how it’s often portrayed in popular movies and television; adultery is seen as desirable. I just have to let my mind dwell on what the consequences would be and the other people it would hurt.
So you’ve had me thinking today. I have to admit that I am one of those “not in a million years” people. I have had 30 years with the kindest, gentlest man on earth and I have so much to lose. We are down to one child at home and are having a second honeymoon of sorts. (The retching sound is my children thinking about the possibilities)
That being said I think that women cheat for more than just sexual reasons. Women cheat for safety, security and validation. One friend of mine left her husband (who needed leaving) only after she found someone else. So have I cheated on my husband in the way Jesus said counted… in my heart? If imagining him with more money or more confidence or taller counts, and I think it does, I’m guilty. So I would never place myself in a situation where the tension would be allowed to build.
I tell my kids that they need to know in advance what their answer will be. I can do no less. It’s not easy. And a million years is a really long time.
I’ve been divorced and single since 1995, but there’s always hope right? Sometimes cliches have a lot of value. My personal favourite is “never say never.” Plucking one’s eye from its socket isn’t the most appealing resolve so how about – just not looking. Being single this long makes not looking not such an easy task but I’m sure it’s at least as difficult as being married and not looking.
What a great topic Anne! You really know how to get the mind digging.
What are we defining as cheating here? A “physical/sexual” relationship? If we’re talking emotional affairs, flirting at the office, full frontal long hugs (kidding?) pornography… then we’re in bigger trouble than we think. It’s hard to safeguard ourselves form these things – the temptation is definitely out there. For me, more than letting my family down, I don’t want to let my God down. I am not immune to the temptations – but I do have a choice.
good subject to reflect upon. i think i have way more to say on the subject than i can put here or that anyone would want to read.
when i talk to people who have had affairs, they tell me that nothing much mattered more than the other person and the feelings they had for that person. in other words, they let these take control. any time we let something other than God take control, we’re in trouble.
i agree with tammy. sometimes it’s very hard to safeguard ourselves. but the bottom line is that we do have a choice.
what has helped me is knowing how much i would hurt the people whom i love and who love me, and how my life would change and how i would be changing the life of those people. i can’t stand to even think about it. that has helped me not to take any steps down a road that i don’t want to be on.
Anne, my first husband ran off with another woman after 4 years of marriage and an 18 month old baby.
Nine years later I married a wonderful man (who is a minister) who’s wife ran off with another man after they had been married over 20 years.
I had a friend in church that was so judgemental and said, “never, never, never will that ever happen to me!” So had such a turn your nose up attitude about it.
Guess what? Her hubby had an affair and left her.
I tell all my friends. NO ONE is immune to it. We must always be on guard.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this. Of course, it extends to before marriage too. One of my friends has a boyfriend and they try to be careful of their physical relationship, but they often put themselves in situations that don’t look good. She has said to me, “I don’t think we would ever do it. I can’t imagine it would happen to us.” That makes me so angry. Thinking you are immune to a sin is the first step toward letting down your guard. I could do it. I’m not immune either. Neither is anyone else.
I have three friends suffering from or recovering from infidelity in their marriages. All of them said “never” well never came very quick.
Saying “never” is pride, plane and simple. We are all trash without the grace of God. We have to walk in that grace, not act as if we are incapable of falling because of it.
Jesus can give us the strenght to resist but only when we humble ourselves and realize we are no better then the people we know who fell.
Years back I was really struggling with being attracted to my husband. We served together at church and I was so frustrated with the situation. I became emotionally attracted to another man we served with although I didn’t approach him and I don’t believe he had any feelings for me in that way(he was also married). Fortunately for me, anytime I tried to use this man as therapy–crying on his shoulder, talking about my marriage–he was uncomfortable and would try to change the subject or leave the room. Eventually God moved he and his family out of our church to another state. I knew I shouldn’t do that stuff. I knew I was wrong but couldn’t stop myself. I’m glad God intervened and now my stomach turns if that idea comes to mind. I imagine the look on my husband’s face if I had to confess. I imagine the loss of ministry and the people that would be broken because of it. And so I pray for that hedge of protection around my family and my church staff’s families.
There’s a short list of mistakes (each of which I am absolutely capable of making) that will eat my life and take everything that is important to me. This is one of them.
I think this particular issue probably boils down to one or two bad decisions that I could make… and I think those are (in the beginning) probably very subtle decisions. To that end, I’m intentional about a few things when it comes to my interaction with women other than my wife.
I don’t have closed-door meetings with women at work. I don’t ride alone in a car with any woman other than my wife. I keep conversations very surface-y; nothing deep. My wife is the only woman I hug (OK, mom gets hugs, too). Stuff like that…
People probably think I go overboard w/ all this, but I don’t care. I don’t want to approach making the sort of physical or emotional connection that could start me down the road to a place I don’t want to go.
Over the years, my wife’s friends have often asked her why I don’t like them… it’s not that I don’t like them… it’s just that I like my wife a lot more, and I want everyone to know that…
I just read the “Anonymous” comment above… I want to be that guy; the guy who gets uncomfortable and leaves the room, says nothing more than “gee, do you want to talk w/ my wife about that? maybe she can help…”
Those are the kind of boundaries I want to keep…
tony, those are some wise choices.
this post reminds me of Peter who would say “Lord I could never deny you, I will stand by you to the end.”
when push came to shove what happened?
i don’t have the perfect response to this issue but there is a verse that comes to mind.
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”-
1 Peter 5:8
in todays culture sober means not drunk but i looked it up and it also means “showing self control”. not saying that i have perfected this, just contributing to the conversation.
thanks for the reminder anne.
We just celebrated our 25 year mark. Getting to this milestone has not been without scars. I finally recognized a formula for reducing the probability of too many unhealing wounds, that lead to infidelity.
Great communication is sexy and so intimate! I use the patterns/formula I have learned to use in prayer (praise, thankfulness, repentance, intercession) in my relationship with my husband. I figure God has given us that pattern for a relationship and conversation with Him, so it must be a great one.
If I keep that pattern in place and use it , the communication is fabulous, as is the relationship. All else pales. However, we have not always stuck to this formula and that is when we are our weakest and most vulnerable to infidelity.
Bold and relevant topic, Anne!
This hit really close to home, Anne – thanks for posting and speaking out on such an uncomfortable subject. If it helps to talk even only one person down from the ledge, it’s so worth it! God bless you and your ministry. :)
I realize that no one is exempt from the temptation of and allure of temptation. Over the course of about 2 years I have watched as two local pastors have fallen prey to Satan in this area, and it hurts my heart greatly. Even as a single, I have to be careful about who I go to lunch with who is a female. I have to be concerned that I am not causing them to sin or stumble. Accountability is the key – for myself and others.
Anne – intense post, but well recieved!
“I could cheat on my spouse.” – I think it all depends on whether or not we really believe this statement.
I remember a time when I told my wife, “I could never do something like that.” I was then referring to the pastors in our past who had been “caught” cheating on their wives, one with a prostitute, one with another staff member, and another with a person online.
It was a lie, or rather a false belief I had about my own power over the temptation to stray from my wife. I was not master over it, it was master over me. It’s like what Rich stated: the reality we all live in is that “I can do any depraved thing”.
Now that I have done the unbelievable thing (cheat on my wife – my own vices were pornography and emotional infidelity online) How am I changing? What am I doing to not fall into that trap anymore?
I am learning that it mostly centers around a deep understanding of the love of God; the unconditional love, the forgiving love, the graceful love, the truthful love, and the powerful love. I was blinded so long by pride and ignorance. I thought that if I just ignored my vices for long enough, they would disappear. They did not. I was also too proud to admit weakness in this area for fear of rejection by my peers and fear of losing my coveted “leader” status in the church.
Step 1: Honesty – with yourself.
I had to come to the end of myself (crash and burn/hit rock bottom) before I could really be honest about who I was. The reality was, I had deep wounds and instead of healing them I was either ignoring them or just doping up on morphine while I basically bled to death. My choices were self-careless and damaging. The Christian way (I thought) was self-denial; and I was denying myself to the utmost extreme. It was unhealthy. I had to embrace my real self, and not the phony role of meI was playing for everyone so they’ll like me. I had ugly and beauty – like every other human. I had to drop the role-playing game. I had to pay attention to the deep wounds. I had to check myself into a hospital and be a patient, not a doctor. I had to be me, ALL OF ME.
Step 2: Honesty – with others.
I couldn’t trust myself. (Can we ever fully trust ourselves?) I needed relationships – REAL relationships. The kind of relationships that resemble the relationship of God and His church. I had to risk my cover to be myself with people. Many had ditched me because the person behind the mask wasn’t very “cool”. I couldn’t blame them. My wife was first. Then my family. Then my friends. Then my church. I’m buidling relationships now; some with old friends some with new that are so much deeper, so much more raw, so much more meaningful, so much more fulfilling than my superficial ones before.
Step 3 Honesty – with God.
I used to think I had this one down – I didn’t. I was hiding from God. I was a hypocrite. I thought that God kept looking at me with “How could you? I’m so disappointed in you.” look. He was a conditional God and I was just an actor. Our relationship was flimsy at best because I didn’t really trust or accept Him, and He didn’t really trust or accept me either. There was no intimacy – no passion – just a pair living together comfortably with major boundaries. I liked parts of God and dismissed the parts I did not like or understand. I am now adding God’s attributes: beautiful, eternal, creative, absolutely true, loving, relational, judgmental, righteous, devastating, wrathful… I’m looking at more of the art that is God – even the abstract, the confusing, the paradoxical. I’m trusting him more with my weaknesses. I’m being less mechanical in my religion, and more organic. I’m doing less and being more. If that makes any sense?…
Sorry about the lengthy reply, but you hit my life’s note.
My wife and I celebrated almost 2 decades of marriage this year. We are painfully aware of the dangers of emotional intimacy with a friend. After suffering personal loss, my wife turned to another man for validation and affirmation. Please understand our marriage is good. Good kids, good church, we are good friends, serve God – all the marks of a “good” Christian. What was missing was the husband and wife intimacy that was crowded out by weeds of busyness and service. The other man is on staff at our church and married with kids of his own. The emotional affair was never physical and really hadn’t gone far…yet. I sensed what was developing but frankly chose to ignore it and now I see what it was easier to let this friend meet my wife’s emotional needs than be vulnerable and WORK towards meeting her needs. How stupid we both were. Now we face the pain of getting past the betrayal and failures. Our radar is fine tuned now to even the appearance of evil and we are extremely honest with each other. Bottom line, we each had a heart issue with our relationship with Christ…not letting Him be our source – there was no way we could be each others. Marriage is more about our Holiness and developing our likeless to Christ that our happiness and fulfillment. Praise God for His infinite patience and grace and for the best gifts He has given me – His life, my wife, and our children.
I cheated on my husband, physically, twice. There were many more indescretions than that, emotionally, mentally, verbally and online. I was one of those who thought if would never happen to me. It never crossed my mind. I loved my husband so much and was so grateful to have him. He welcomed my oldest child, from another man.
The day I found out that he had cheated on me with a past girlfriend, my world fell apart. Yes, I was a Christian my whole life, yada, yada. But I never knew that whole time that I was completely unprepared, spiritually, for the hurts and let downs that are inevitable in life. Looking back, I now recognize the pattern of using men to fill the “God-sized” whole inside me. But I didn’t think that applied to my husband. All the promiscuity from my past, as early as 15 made sense. You know “looking for love in all the wrong places”. But I had no idea that I had done the very same thing with my husband.
It has been 4 years and lots of anger, resentment, revenge, and disobedience to my God. I have just, in last few months, realized and accepted my short-comings. I have had to put my husband into his proper place in my heart. He is not my God, but I see now that he was in my mind. My spirituality was pending my husband’s endorsement. My world came crashing down because I had made an idol before God – who would have thought? I was in sin all along, but it didn’t show up until I cheated and my sins were brought into the light. I got caught in a cycle of God, anger, sin, repeat… It was getting nowhere.
I am now 4 months free of that cycle. All the thanks and glory to God. I now recognize that I am vulnerable to ANYTHING satan thinks might work to pull me away from God.
In Christ’s love
I am a married man. I love my wife. She is a great mother and we never fight. Our sex life is not good. I think I am normal in that I love sex. I have on and off stayed in touch with a woman I used to date who I had the best sex possible with. She is married and does not want me to leave my wife nor does she want anything emotionally from me other then online conversation. I am sure I am past the emotional affair part, but we were friends for almost 10 years before I got married and we know each other intimately. She wants to get together once or twice a month for physical activity. What does that say about me for wanting to do it?
I’m Erin’s husband who posted above me somewhere. What my lovely wife fails to mention in her post is that she begged me for months to cheat on her so she would have biblical grounds to divorce me. She took every opprotunity to berate and demean me. So an old girl friend popped up and through conversations with her I remembered what it was like to be in a relationship with a person who actually listens and respects your opinion. So the moment came when we were going to get physical and I started the act and then guilt and shame took over so I stopped. I never told my wife but my ex girlfriend did. So I then spent the next 4 years of our marriage paying for my mistake through more demeaning behaviour and her cheating whether online or with some guy she meet while she was at a local gym “working out”. Anyway I just get pissed off when she talks to me about she’s breaking the cycle and she can’t listen to certain music anymore. She compares herself to an drug addict. But I’m still to blame for starting this whole thing and a moment isn’t missed to “put me in my place”. Because it wasn’t her fault it was me and oh yea satan.
PERFECT post. So spot on. I think the arrogance to think “it could never happen to me” is the first step in it happening. There are really no new sins, just the old ones we allow to be repeated over and over.
Also, it rarely starts with an affair. It starts with a look. Then a little porn. Then some flirting. Then someone is naked.
So glad you confronted this today.
“Then someone is naked”
Classic.
Sorry. :)
Absolutely hear that! Romans 1 talks about “those sinners” and Romans 2 reminds us that’s us too. Recognizing we are not immune from sin is the first step in getting our hearts right. Pride keeps many from believing they could actually be an adulterer. Instead they call it, weakness, needing attention, tired of being in such a blah blah blah marriage, and actually it is just sin. So when they wake up an adulterer, that is when the true character is shown. Are they going to be the righteous man who gets up and gets right, as in Proverbs, or the one who justifies his/her behavior based on the world’s standars. Great blog. Thanks!
Yep, I could cheat on my husband. I’ve told him that. I also told him how much I love him and don’t want to cheat on him – most of the time. I also like your emotional affair article. In addition to telling my husband when I have temptations or feelings for others, I tell others (as appropriate) and find it helpful as well. I think the secrecy thing is part of what makes the whole thing so powerful/enticing/exciting. When it’s no longer a secret, it’s easier to explore what else is going on that may be predisposing me to look to someone other than God to meet my needs. Like D Rho said, honesty is key. Great post.
Elizabeth?s last blog ..New Year, New Opportunities
I dated my wife nearly 7 years with 2 break-ups thrown in for good measure before we married. 5 weeks before the wedding day I kissed her for the first time. I am no fan of long courtships and no kissing for that long of time . . . but it forced us to become better communicators with each other and communicate with words, and expressions, and much writing. The story is quite long and looking back I can now see we were trying to bump Jim and Elizabeth Elliot for the gold medal.
In my late 20s and early 30s I traveled alot thru-out the west coast for business and often found myself alone at night shaking because I thought that might be the night I lost the battle to sexual sin in some hotel. Not every night but maybe 1 out of every 15 nights away from home I had the opportunity. I had some close calls. I never even put myself into bad situations . . .I just would get propositioned in an elevator or parking lot by other hotel guest. Other people in the same industry often. I wasn’t married yet and the courtship back home was dragging on with my girlfriend.
If the young woman at the hotel was really nice on the eyes, it would force me to go back to my hotel room and pack my stuff and pay my room bill and drive 40-200 miles away depending on the beauty and personality of the woman, and find another place to sleep alone. Sometimes I felt wise beyond my years and more often I felt like a loser because I had to take such drastic steps to flee…and I was out another $85.00 for a new hotel room. A few times I would even leave for home and skip the client or event altogether which sucked and made the whole trip a big costly zero.
Let me tell you what the worst part of those nights far away from home were. It was when the woman made the play and her intentions known to me to come to her room for a great night and I responded by witnessing and trying to win her over to God before I called it a night. Even when sharing I was having to endure the temptation of giving in. The only thing that works well (and it still has it challenges) is fleeing the spot/area/town. Now when that happens and the “Go Light” shows up on my emotional dashboard I go. I kick it into warp speed because if I don’t I’ll start spinning around the drain and it’s just a matter of hours or minutes. I don’t want to find out.
I ended up finally getting married to that college sweetheart of mine after 7 long years. Been married 12 years and have children and the battle changed a little, but it is still there. I have since had my hair cruise off my head on the top like Bruce Willis and that has helped the situation considerably. I also dress down and try not to look cool when traveling or play a cool dude roll when by myself. I also told the Lord He could kill me with my permission if He knew I was going to go over the sexual cliff. He could kill me anyway he pleases. Ahhhh . . . .that helped too!!!