for the last three days, i’ve been trying to find words to confess to you that i, anne jackson, am a sell out.
naturally an introvert (although as of late, i’m beginning to question that) and easily embarrassed, i’m usually the last one who would volunteer to speak up in a room or have attention drawn to me. i turn bright red on many occasions, so it would seem logical that i am a behind the scenes, don’t need any kind of recognition kind of girl.
i tell you the truth my friends. that is a complete lie.
although i’m not the life-of-the-party type, i am very passive-aggressive and strategic about popularity. a small but ongoing example is the reason behind why i don’t have a blogroll. it became to be a popularity contest and people would be upset to not be on it. yet when i’m not on someone’s, i get upset about it.
most recently, i’ve been working on a project (which some of you may know about already and for those of you who don’t, keep watching for a big announcement on july 2). anyway, i’ve been trying to keep it kind of under wraps on a public scale, but privately have been working behind the scenes to make sure the “right” people know about it so they can use their “influence” to help promote it.
now, some of these connections that have been made have been great, and i have no doubt that some relationships have either been established or strengthened because of god’s timing and his plan. however, initially i was honestly a little pissed that some of these “influential” people haven’t responded in a way that i expected.
then i asked myself, why am i upset about this? i prayed about it and yesterday morning in the silence of my hotel room i realized that IT DOESN’T FREAKING MATTER.
yes, the business world is the business world and it is “all about who you know,” and by no means am i lessening the help, advice, and encouragement that some people have given me over the course of the last month.
i realized i have absolutely NO control over this project – that it is COMPLETELY in god’s hands, and i discovered how my own intentions of getting the “right” people “on my side” in order to help me further this is a completely man-made and futile effort, not to mention selfish and inconsiderate of them. i doubt any of these people even read my blog, but if by chance any of you do, i am sorry for wanting to use you to get ahead.
and to those of you who do read my blog, i am sorry for being a hyprocrite. for not living what i preach. it was a big realization yesterday for me, and it actually makes me sick to discover how in my most hidden places, i do exactly those things i despise.
always in progress…thanks for baring with me.
Thanks for being so honest and transparent. I am an introvert, too, and it makes my pride a little more subtle at times, but that’s almost more dangerous, isn’t it?
As someone completely humble and self-aware at all times, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I should probably keep it that way to make sure I stay on point. It’s for my own good.
Sorry – my wife said to make sure I put the [sarcasm]–[/sarcasm] thingies around my earlier comment. My bad.
I am impressed with your candor, Anne. Hear this from an “older” dude: There is nothing to be ashamed about when promoting something you believe and something that is your life’s work. After all, why not put yourself out there and go for your dreams! You are a daughter of the Most High. Listen to the critics, but don’t be judged by them . Dealing with rejection is the hard part. Had I completely relied on the approval or support of others and not God’s call in my life I would be shattered and burnt out long ago. I remember my pastor, who knew me as a teenager, literally balked and smirked at me when I came back to visit his church as a young adult. Wanting support, affirmation and help I said, “Hey pastor, I am in ministry now!” only to hear with a condescending tone “and the PAY you for that?” You will be opposed and not all will support or be happy for your endeavors, especially big scary ones that could make a difference in the lives of many people. Some of this opposition will be one that is passive. For some, business really is business.
i’m a shameless business woman. i love the industry, i am energized by the chaos and i think everything that brings others hope, starts conversations or creates an environment for others to actualize their potential is worth marketing.
you’re authentic. raw. captivating. people will hear the unique message you have inside of you with or without those of us in the “business.” but like rich said, if you don’t believe you’re message is worth promoting, no one else is going to either. so keep pushing through.
often, what we hate in others is actually what we hate about ourselves. don’t be too hard on yourself though. at least at this point you can admit you’re not perfect… gasp… but it’s all good and it DOESN’T freaking matter either. the more real we are with ourselves, the easier it becomes to be real with others. i think you will see that needs to how it is the closer to you get to this “project” coming to light and moving forward. we get God’s blessing the more real we are with ourselves through Him.
congrats by the way on realizing you’re not an introvert. i’ve been meaning to tell you that. you’re like me… we’re ex-introverts. i made that up just now. but lets just say its people who at one point in their lives were introverts but have come to the realization that-that relationship isn’t going anywhere.
anyway… i am full of pie and am now rambling.
Anne, It wouldnt matter if none of the “big names” jumped on board. This is in God’s hands and He is the biggest influential supporter you need. Like I said before….
People need this book!
I need this book!!
God will use you in big ways through this book! BIG!
Thank you for your honesty…..honestly! lol
Were you perfect/not in progress I wouldn’t read your blog.
Thanks for what you do.
Hey Anne,
Todd’s got a great point. You have a unique voice and you have unique insight. God has used your nature, your character and all your life experiences to get you to a place where you see things that others don’t. And then you write about them in a way that is compelling and interesting and witty, and then you hit the reader with the big punch, and people are challenged, and hopefully, people do something about it.
That’s who you are, and PR is a necessary part of your work/ministry, so keep it up – you’re great.
It’s a good lesson to learn before you blaze well out of the starting gate. God is sovereign. He doesn’t need big names to further His causes in the world. He actually uses frail, needy people like you and me.
I’m pasting something below that I’ve taught at several writer’s conferences. I think the lesson applies widely. Just insert the word of that One Thing you pursue for Publication.
*****
Publishing doesn’t validate your life. How true.
I have to admit before I was published, I thought that if I reached that nirvana called “published author,” I’d have sweet validation. Every day would be smiles and dancing. You know what? I was wrong. Being published is terrific, mind you, but it doesn’t bring happiness or validation. Instead, it adds more stress to your life.
Gone are the days when I could write for the sheer joy of it. Always looming is a deadline. And though I pinch myself because I “get” to write, and I feel like I’m doing what I was created to do, I sometimes get lost in the cycle of publicity, sales and marketing.
Maybe I’m the only one (and I’m embarrassed to admit this publicly), but I check my Amazon ratings for the three books I have in print. I know, know, know that these ratings mean very little. I know that a high rank (which is bad) just means that during that hour the book didn’t sell. I know that if a band of readers (like a book club) went together and bought ten of my books in one hour, my rating would shoot lower (which is good). But it doesn’t mean anything.
Why do I pester myself with such nonsense? After all, publishing doesn’t validate my life, right?
It’s like this weird endless cycle of neediness. It evolves in incremental steps of if onlys:
1. If only I could be published in a magazine, even if I’m not paid.
2. If only I could be paid to be published in a magazine.
3. If only I could go to a writer’s conference and have an agent show an interest in my proposal.
4. If only I could sign with an agent.
5. If only that agent could sell my work.
6. If only I could have more than one contract.
7. If only I could earn out the advance for the book I wrote.
8. If only I could sell enough books so a publisher would want another book from me.
9. If only a publisher would treat a mid-list author like me kindly.
10. If only I could make a living at writing.
That’s a lot of if onlys!
I remember reading about blocked goals once and it’s stuck with me. A blocked goal is a goal that is dependent on other’s actions or happenstance. All these if onlys fit, albeit somewhat awkwardly, as blocked goals. I don’t have any control over whether I’ll get a contract offered. I can’t make people buy my books. I can’t make my book sell enough to earn back an advance. I can’t control the fickleness of this industry.
What I can do is create goals that can’t be blocked. Goals like:
1. I will listen to the heartbeat of God and write what He inspires me to write.
2. I will not let writing, by God’s strength, overshadow the needs of my family.
3. I will write the best books I can write, always seeking to improve, abounding in humility and teachability.
4. I will be patient when sales wane and trust God’s sovereignty.
5. I will promote my books with this motivation: to see the kingdom of God advanced.
6. I will laugh at the unpredictability of this industry and strive to be lighthearted.
7. I will serve others and not let elusive and fleeting fame (if that happens) inflate my head.
8. I will attend conferences, read writing books, and welcome critique.
9. I will serve my readers by praying for them and answering emails when God provides time.
10. I will write for the sheer joy of it, not despising unpublished words.
So, yeah, publishing does not validate me. Sure it feels great to hold my book in my hands. It’s lovely when I get a good review. But it’s the hand of God on my life that brings me ultimate validation. That God stooped to earth and chose me, a frail, needy girl, stops my heart every time. And by His grace, I will carry on.
Thanks for risking. Thanks for being vulnerable. Thanks for being honest. I think what you wrote is true for everyone just not everyone will admit it. I’m with Todd; that’s why I read your blog. :)
Press into it. It will come together. In the end, if it glorifies God then it’s all worth it. Great to meet you this weekend. Be safe heading home.
i actually just want to say i know someone with a “project”; i’m totally in it for myself.
looked for the vip caravan this weekend but didn’t see it…hope you enjoyed the tour.
thanks for being open. as far as your “project”, if you are being pushed to do it for the right reasons, then doing all you can do make it work is not a bad thing…if doing it the way God would want. only you and He know that. I admire your transparency—thanks
Ouch….doesn’t it hurt so much more when we find out we really are the thing we “think” we are not.
Anne it really is in God’s hands and no matter what happens with your project you are a success in His eyes and in the eyes of your friends and family.
The greatest thing is pursuing your dreams and enjoying the journey along the way because the journey is the most enjoyable part. After all once we reach our dreams what more could we do. We must make sure that are dreams are so God big that the journey never ends.
Oh and btw…you aren’t the only one out there that checks their hits and technorati and youtube video hits and podcast downloads and…..oh am I telling on myself now…and I say I’m not looking to be known….hah!!!!
i’m with todd. and mark jaffrey.
I can’t believe you….I’m ashamed. Tisk, Tisk.
I’m pissed I’m not on your blogroll.
I am never coming back
I don’t think you should disregard your internal message, we get them for a reason; maybe a slight correction in direction is required? Everyone wants to be a rockstar Anne, you just can’t sell out to that motivation. Instead, change the world and become a rockstar in the process.
Affirmation is a Leviathan, need to borrow my spear? Focus. Much love to you!
This is exactly why I have “beta” on my site…. I am not quite ready for prime time….and when I think I am God tends to show me where there is some important functionality missing!
Grace is a beautiful thing!
yeah, but isn’t that the point, that we’re all sell outs? or is that just me ;)
“in my most hidden places, i do exactly those things i despise.”
Oh please, girl. Don’t we all?
My moment of freedom comes when I remember this, shake my head, say thank you Jesus you don’t hold it against me, and move on. Now see, wasn’t that easy? I give myself grace all the time and never feel guilty! [puke]