i am more affected by this blog than i care to let on. the more comments i get, the more inspired i am to write. the more daily visitors i have, the more i feel like i am making a difference. and all that is bull crap. i am relying far too much on this thing to make me feel successful in my ministry or in relationships. and that’s nothing but a lie.
There are some lyrics by JET that kinda describe this for me.
You tried so hard to be someone
That you forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Til all you had spilled overNow everything’s so far away
That you don’t know
Where you are
You areWhen all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
For you to belong toWhen it’s hard to be ourselves
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything’s so far away
That you forget who you are
You areWhen all that you wanted
And all that you have
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to hold on to
(By the way, I’m not sad or depressed or moody or funky. I feel fine. Just learning some things.)
I’ll submit a comment anyway, just because.
by the way, it makes me feel “liked/loved” too, when people comment on mine. But, it’s because I’m not doing anything special and people still choose to read about it. You don’t always have to write this amazing article, just share what’s going on. Thanks Anne.
I hear you. I get wrapped up in that sometimes. “Ooh, I’m building community…”
Thought of that this morning when I watched my neighbor back out of his drive and head off to his job. We’ve talked, oh, twice in 6 months. I have no idea where he is spiritually, and I haven’t asked.
I guess he doesn’t read my blog…
I’ve been contemplating some sort of balance in all this – some equation… time spent seeking to impact the people around me has to be greater than or at least equal to the time I spend on this blogging thing.
But blogging is easier… probably because my keyboard has a backspace key.
I am now inspired. Blog stats are one thing, but are you having “fun” doing this blog thing? I am. So, at least I am getting something out of this. And, my comment is fun, too. I might make you write more because of it?
those lyrics. that’s exactly the day I had today/yesterday.
Read Steve Seamands “Ministry in the Image of God” It really helped me deal with where I draw my self worth from.
yes yes, i often wondered the same thing when i had a xanga and i would spend hours commenting on other sites just to have the favor returned. it was odd.
i should mention that one thing i do like about your blog is that you are actually constructive in your reflections and suggestions. so even if that might not have been your primary motive i think your writing still serves and edifies the Church, And even though we don’t really know each other, through your experiences i have learned more comprehensively about the beauty and truth and meaning being realized in the New Humanity, in whose body we are all being built together. which is neat.
still, i struggle with the same thing. i have nothing more to add.
my turn! OK….this is why I don’t blog every single day. some days I see “0 comments” and I get bummed.
I’m joining a real life Bible study this week. I love my “faithful 3 readers”, but it’s time to get real, face to face.
Ha! seems like everyone gets frustrated at the same time.
I struggled with this as well, for quite a while. I am a people pleaser. I play this sick mental game of action and reaction. For a long time I tried to conform my actions to whatever recieved the most favorable action. Whether serving in ministry, going out of my way for a friend, or whatever. It was heartless and without any true concern for anyone but myself. The reason why I say this, is that I started to see myself turn that way with my blog. It was about 6 months ago. I played this song and dance of saying enough about my Sexual Addiction to recieve a lot of comments but not to much about my addiction to have everyone stop reading. I finally hit me, that my blog stopped becoming a way for me to be honest and authentic with people all over the world and started being my sick way of meeting my emotional need for acceptance. Comments and visitors fueled and shaped my my writing. I eventually got fed up with it, and wrote a post that was a turning point in my blog, http://pellucidly.com/blog/2006/03/29/i-am-broken . My Blog then went from me really saying that I have had issues with Sexual Addiction to stating that I struggle and can’t seem to get past it, and that I don’t have any answers. I admitted that I cheated on my wife. That post recieved not one comment, and from that point on my visitors decreased, the number of comments decreased. Once that post hit the blogsphere, 9 of the 10 websites that linked to me, removed there link. (All except Anne). Now I have some faithful readers, and a couple commenters, but my intentions are no longer the same. I write to get things off chest. To share my struggles. Not to impress anyone, because honestly I can’t. I think for me, hitting bottom helped me realize the falacy that I am some how important.
it IS bull crap to measure the difference you make in the things you can see (or read). Sometimes the people you shine on can’t shine back. I know when I get in a similar funk, it is really me needing to know I matter in the great scheme of things. At every level we need to know that. Usually when we are not getting to know that from looking outside, it is because we are needing to look for that knowing from God. And it comes back to knowing you matter and make a difference because God says you do. And He knows.
Tim – wow. I hear you. There’s times that I reach for the backspace key then think “hang on, how authentic is that? deleting the stuff that makes me look worse… I am such an f-ing sham.
Maybe I’ll coin a new phrase… “backspace authenticity (noun) – the practice of providing just enough information to appear authentic while still continuing to hide the things that, if exposed, would cause others to back away slowly.”
Started to backspace “f-ing” up there… but, I meant it… sorry, Anne!
Blog readers are strange and blog writers stranger. We won’t read or visit often Blogs that are too wordy, preachy or rambling but on the other hand we don’t like to write or read boring blogs so I find myself sensoring my writing on my blog for those two things as well. I find that I am not being completely real because there are times I wan’t to ramble, be boring or preachy. So, yea, I blog for others to read it most of the time and when they do or don’t comment it affects future blogs. I am trying to get away from that “Crap” (one of my favorite words by the way, which I wrote about on another blog I have which is really just a little book I am writing
http://redneckwomansguide.blogspot.com,
Shamless plug, in a comment)
But the “crap” is part of this world, community we have become a part so we just got deal with it I guess.
Well, I can’t say that I haven’t back spaced a couple of times. I’ve even taken a couple of posts down. (One for being threatened legal action)
I have a small group of readers and an even smaller group of commentors, but I don’t do it for them……..but sometimes there are things you just don’t want to write down.
I hear you, West. I don’t think the backspace key is my problem. I think my problem is how I try to frame stuff as though I am being transparent when I am really not…
There is a bit of narcisism(sp?) in every blog. Its part journal, part education, part confessional, part entertainment. As far as the backspace thing goes, that’s just a good writing tool. Sometimes what comes flying out of your head can be better expressed or more creatively expressed with a different word. I am a fan of discretion and editing as a tool for clarity, not to create a facade. You just need to make up your mind what you want your blog to be. Do you want it to be a hyper- revealing record of every moment and thought? Or can you live with being less intense? ‘s up to you. Just don’t bash yourself–geez. I think that’s even less authentic because you try to convince everyone that you are confessing something to make up for whatever mistake you think you made so they will stick with you. Take your hits if need be and move on. I could be wrong.
Seriously, lets put the whole truth out there for the whole world to see…not just to get the “oh poor me” vote. I have played that game too.
I am so broken and alive right now. Mainly because I am reading “Peace Makers” and I have come to realize that I have like 6 billion planks hanging out all over the place.
you and me both.
I was about to try to make some profound comment in the hopes that people would be so intrigued by it that they would check out my blog. Then I decided to make a profound confessional statement out of it, instead. And then I realized how disturbed that is. Yet, I’m still posting it, just in case.
The human mind and heart are complex, broken things, and I have yet to find a completely pure motive in any of my actions. But we speak our minds, in case anyone else at the end of their rope stumbles across some comfort, encouragement, and hope in knowing that they are not alone in their struggles…
Good song–but your blog still inspires me. You have a great voice and a good style. Keeping me you, whoever that is, and however much you want to write.