Chris and I had a date night tonight, stuffing our faces with Boston Market & dessert at Beanology. Lots of great conversation about life, love, the future. My heart – his heart. I love being married.
We stopped by Best Buy on the way home. I felt a little too full to roll myself out of the car, so I stayed in, skimming through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. If you know me, you know I don’t like reading books (articles, blogs, anything short – thus the skimming.) However, I landed on a few pages that I felt I could have written.
I beg you to hang in there and read this post. I know it’s long. But as many of you have wondered what happened to Anne – her job, her life…these questions are all answered here. And more importantly, you need to read it. Not because Rob Bell wrote it, not because I’m copying it, but because it is so true. Please. Stay. Read.
Here are some excerpts:
“I had this false sense of guilt and subsequent shame because I believed deep down I wasn’t working hard enough. And I believed the not-working-hard-enough lie because I didn’t function like superpastor, who isn’t real anyway.
So I had one choice – I had to kill superpastor.
I had to take him out back and end his pathetic existence.
I went to the leaders of our church and shared with them my journey as it was unfolding. I told them if they needed to release me and find a superpastor, I understood. If we don’t know who we are or where we are trying to go, we put the people around us in an uncomfortable position. They are doing the best they can with what they have – but sometimes we haven’t given them very much have we?…”
I meet so many people who have superwhatever rattling around in their head. They have this person they are convinced they are supposed to be, and their superwhatever is killing them. They have this image they picked up over the years of how they are supposed to look and act and work and play and talk and it’s like a voice that never stops shouting in their ear.
And the only way not to be killed by it is to shoot first.
Yes, that is what I meant to write.
You have to kill your superwhatever.
And you have to do it right now.”
“…[sometimes] the talk seems so shallow. Like nobody is talking about what really matters. I think this is a direct effect of the state of the souls of many pastors and church leaders. So many leaders in Christian communities are going so fast and producing so much and accomplishing so much that they become a shell of a person. There is no space to deal honestly with what is going on deeply inside them…”
Before I go any further, know I am not talking about the environment in which I previously worked. I write these things as a reflection of my own experience – my own heart. I got wrapped up into producing for a short while…and after a few months, my super-artist-communications-director-look-at-me-I’m-a-superstar KILLED ME.
It killed me…almost.
Look back on My Xanga. Read back in August – hospital stay. November – headaches and tests. Each time, nothing was really wrong. Just my brain trying to kill my body and my body fighting my soul.
I couldn’t do it any more. And it showed. I talked about it with my leaders. And they talked about it with me. They needed a fast-paced producer. They needed a super person. I can’t force myself to fit that role. I could not be the superperson they needed. So I resigned.
AND THAT IS OKAY.
Fast Forward
While at Best Buy, Chris bought the Our Lady Peace Live DVD. He put it in as I started working on some freelance stuff I’m working on. One of my favorite songs happened to come on as I was working. It confirmed to me I need to write this…my journey of killing the superwhatever.
Do you worry that you’re not liked
How long till you break
You’re happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy, an ordinary name
But ordinary’s just not good enough today
Alone…
I’m thinking why?
Yeah, superman’s dead
Yeah, is it in my head?
Yeah, we’ll just laugh instead
-Superman’s Dead (Our Lady Peace)
Coincidence?
I think not.
For you to think on:
Close your eyes.
Think.
What is my superwhatever?
What is it that I need to kill?
(Before it kills me?)
Do it.
You have to kill your superwhatever.
And you have to do it right now.
i love your heart. i love your transparency. i love that even though i don’t see you daily any more you still inspire me to know my true self and to continue learning. i love you. i miss you.
lots.
until i see you tomorrow… (HOORAY!!!)
Great growth post Anne! Remember my Testimony on canvas post? “There for you, Therefore, You”? Killing my super-christian-chick image is what precipitated my personal revolution several years ago; the revolution is what precipitated that journey. I’ve never been happier or more free, incidently, I’ve never been more productive in ministry either. Go on, do it. I double dog dare ya.
you’re speaking to me and lots of others I’m sure…
So I have to ask …since you found this wonderful gem while “skimming” has it inspired you to read the book in it’s entirety?
I love that you realized how this all manifested into physical illness. Emotions effect our health greatly.
Oh … I forgot to say love the new profile picture
beau-ti-ful
i read that, when i was reading the book, and i still can’t figure our what my superwhatever is. i know that i go too hard and too fast for too long all the time, but i don’t know what’s driving me and why i can’t just quit. i just don’t know.
very powerful stuff …. thank you for sharing it. i’m off to wales/ireland today ~ keep our team in your prayers – thanks!
oh – and i’ll keep you and Chris in mine – transition times build lots of character, but call for lots of prayer support….
thanks for helping me think through some boundaries-related stuff. i really needed this today…
i think you ment…cawinkydink.
great post. i really love that book. don’t look now, your transforming into what God wants you to be.
Phil
yey! snow! snow! snow! snow! snooooooooooow!
I kinda stumbled onto your site from another friend’s Xanga site, and I’m so glad I did. I’ve been going through the entire “need to kill my superwhatever” thing. Those words hit me hard, but I needed to read them. Thank you!
you know you cant write about OLP and not get something from me.
What i love is when a song that you have heard 1000000000 times, all of the sudden comes through in a new way.
Music= kick ass
that is a very interesting post. i agree that as ministers we lose ourselves at times in trying so hard to serve others. also, as humans we seem to desire affirmation and acceptance to such a degree that we forget that our lives as christians should be serving an audience of one rather than attempting to please the masses. i will have to struggle to decide what my superwhatever is, because i know it is there. thanks for sharing your heart and letting me grow through your story and experiences.
Anne, wow … thanks for exposing me to Bell’s “Velvet Elvis” — I had heard of it, but will definitely try to check it out now. The Superman Complex resonates within me — first, as Superkid in H.S. trying to be perfect for everyone else … now, with trying to be perfect FOR Christ — but that won’t happen, not in this life at least. It forces me back to the cross to confess again, “My Lord, thank you for this blessed forgiveness.” That sure shatters my “Superman” issues.
this post came in handy tonight. thanks, love.