Pardon this interruption to the “Power of Human Need” discussion. It is so beautiful outiside today and I am becoming more and more restless…more and more nervous.

Some job possibilities are in their final stages and all are up in the air. This is the last week I can afford to not be working. I actually don’t have health/life/dental insurance as of tomorrow (but have some starting up next week through Chris’ job.) I don’t know if we are going to be staying here in Kansas City, or moving somewhere. I’ve put my eggs in two baskets – and maybe that’s not wise to do – but I am getting more anxious by the day that either of them might not work out – Thinking worse-case scenario of course. I’ve never not worked for this long. I’m thankful we could afford me taking the break I have, but I’m beginning to feel a lack of purpose in my life. I know there is a reason for this holding pattern…I just don’t know what it is. I thought everything would be figured out a couple of weeks ago and nothing is figured out. Each time my phone rings I hope that when I see the number, it would be something that will show us direction. It’s usually a sales call, which I ignore and let fall into voicemail.

Last night I got sick to my stomach. It was probably a bad combination of spicy Thai food, a late Starbucks run and worry.

I know…I know He has things under control. I know he holds my tomorrow and he’s holding my hand. I just wonder if I am not listening….if I am missing something….or not being obedient in some way.

It’s beautiful outside…I can’t keep sitting in front of this machine…my escape into the outdoors is imminent…and prayers are appreciated, although I couldn’t tell you exactly what I need prayer for.

I don’t know how many times I have tried to write this post, but it’s in the double digits by now. This is a lot harder than I thought. Sorry for keeping everybody waiting (not that you’re on pins & needles or anything) but I promise, I’ll kick something out by tomorrow.

It’s been a good couple of days evaluating many things. Lots of reflecting, praying, talking and making tough yet wise decisions. I think that’s what’s making it so difficult to narrow down what to write.

The learning never stops.

Thanks for your patience.

This week, I?m going to be taking my blogging topics in a new direction. Before I start posting, I wanted to preface this some, so that is what I?m writing about today.

Many of you all have commented about how ?open? I am posting stuff so ?personal? and how much ?courage? it takes. While I do appreciate those words of affirmation, to be quite honest, for the most part (for whatever reason) sharing those things isn?t difficult for me.

Something that I have been reflecting on a lot in the past couple of weeks is mine & Chris? marriage. We?ve been going through a very rough few months as husband and wife. I?ve wanted to post about some of our experiences, but really didn?t want to throw that part of life out there. So, I?d only write about the good stuff.

I realized in a way, I?m sort of living a double standard. Proclaiming the importance of sharing openly (yet wisely) in the blogosphere in hopes to connect and help others (and to get some help myself!) but at the same time keeping hidden a very important part of life ? not only our individual lives ? but for other people who are married, or will be married one day ? being able to walk through this and live this stuff out in the open.

It’s time to peel back another layer.

Chris is okay with me writing about our marriage openly. Is this the last layer ? the deepest darkest parts of my soul I could possible bare? NOT EVEN CLOSE. As open and personal as even this week?s postings will be, there are still very many layers to go, most incredibly shameful ? some past and yes, even some present – I?m not ready to put those out there yet (if ever.) There are layers I’m not ready to share with anybody.

But this layer I am. We are. Stay tuned.

It’s cold, windy and all around not fun in the Kansas City metro today. Flurries blowing around in the gusty, frigid wind.

But not even Jack Frost himself could keep me away from my hair cut.

And I must say, it was completely worth it.

I love you, Jerry Jackson. Thanks again for another fabulous hair cut.

(Go visit his website linked above – He’s not only an incredible hair dresser, but amazing photographer and overall creative genius!)

[[edit://Per Kristi Fair's request - a photo of the new do. Pardon the camera phone quality, lack of makeup and overall gooberness of this shot - It's Friday. The cut's kind of a shaggy euro bob with pixie bangs. A mosaic of style and creativity I owe all to Jerry.]]

I?m starting a landslide in my ego.
Look from the outside to the world I left behind.
I?m dreaming, you?re awake.
If I were sleeping,
Once I?d say
A day without me.

What are the feelings I?ve been feeling?
What are the feelings to let me out?
Today?s a day without me.